Ugh. If I am telling you to ignore my ramblings then why am I posting this? Because I just need to vent and get shit out from time to time.
Last night at the end of one of my shows I almost fainted. What makes this worse is people were watching and it scared the shit out of them. I try my best to hide the daily fight I go through with my Lupus. And then stupid shit like almost fainting happens in front of people and I want to crawl into a hole. It is really difficult for me to be vulnerable and nothing is more vulnerable than people witnessing the elephant in the room trampling over you.
I feel like a tool.
My blood pressure likes to do fucked up things to my body often. Normally this passes quickly. Not this time. It has been almost 24 hours since this latest episode and I still feel weak and disorientated. I slept for close to 12 hours thinking maybe I am just overly fatigued because I have not been taking good care of myself lately and not getting at least the 9 hours of sleep that is necessary for me to stay healthy (as far as one can be healthy when they have Lupus). No dice, I still feel like crap and can barely function.
I feel like a tool.
I am such a stupid sucky baby too at the moment. I HATE this and I hate myself for not being stronger. I like to pretend that I do not need anybody. And then episodes like this happen and I long for nothing more than to have someone to cuddle with, to hold me, to stroke my hair and help out with the kids while I either sleep or just rest. It is when I am having an acute Lupus setback that I miss being in a relationship the most. It is rare that I think about relationships because more often than not I feel smothered in them. Today, I long to be smothered and babied and pampered and made to feel as if I mattered.
I feel weak and stupid and I suck. I am crying over nothing. It isn’t even taking a drop of a hat, just taking a breath and I am crying. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but that is so much easier said than done. I can admit to my failings without any angst except when it comes to the psychological crap and torture I put myself through when Lupus decides it is going to attack me furiously and without warning. It is difficult to admit that I get really really scared and feel so alone. This leads to distancing myself from others and feeling even more alone. But if I show my fear and how alone I feel then others get scared as well. I do not want others to be afraid. It is not fair to them that they have to put up with this shit. Or worse, people feel sorry for me and pity me. I hate that, really HATE that.
I hope this passes quickly so I can go back to pretending I am a rock.
I am such a tool.
