I have had a lot to deal with the past few weeks, both professionally and personally. It has been a very emotional period for me to say the least. My blog postings have been very reflective of that. Some people understand why I sometimes get overly personal and some may not. If if you are the one of the ones that may not, I think the best way I can explain this is people get scared. And those of us who live with Lupus live with a lot of fear. I want to allow people to know that it is okay and they are not alone, even at times when they feel they are alone, as I do often. Most of my feelings of being alone are self-inflicted for reasons I have explained before. I think the emotional battles one goes through living with Lupus are much harder than the physical ones. At least this has been my experience living with this disease.
And on top of those day to day battles (which get worse this time of year) I may lose the one of the major things (aside from my children) that keep me battling and going. And that is my Geeky Pleasures website and radio show. I have been so tempted the last few weeks to just write the “Goodbye it was a pleasure post, maybe we will see each other again sometime in the future” and have my site, blog, Twitter, Facebook go silent now instead of at the end of the month when it is time for the bills to get paid and there is no paying them. Then one of my friends who are on the inside of all of this will kick me in the ass and I decide to prolong it. I lose faith in myself and I begin to think none of it really matters to anyone. And even so one of the primary motivations for me doing what I do is so that I can at least pretend the elephant is not in the room and because I love it with all I am, I want to leave a legacy that was left to me by my grandma and dance teacher. As I have written before, they had chronic illness as well. Lupus took my dance teacher a couple weeks after my road to diagnosis had begun. And if it wasn’t for her, I would have never been diagnosed. My grandma was on oxygen most of my life. Both of these women did amazing things with their lives and to help others despite their challenges and obstacles. They are my heroes and I have lived my life hoping that I could pass on their message to others and give them hope, even if it is just one person. If I manage to do this, then my life meant something. Living with Lupus meant something.
And then shit happens like it has been happening over the past few weeks. Yes there have been many amazing things going on as well that cause me to stop and say, “Wow, I cannot believe this is my life!” But sometimes the shit gets so heavy it is hard to see and appreciate the good. I feel as if I have failed on what it is I hoped to accomplish. That I need to accomplish in order to keep some form of sanity and dignity. Yes my friends tell me they appreciate me and it is so appreciated and cool but that is what friends do. They love and support each other through the dark times so that they can celebrate the good together.
And then something small happens that brings me to tear. I am completely overwhelmed at the moment and cannot stop crying. I was checking my stats for my Geeky Pleasures website and I found this post that has linked to my site. Just when I am about to give up on humanity, somebody will do something small that brings me to tears and everything is fresh again. My purpose has been served and if everything ends at the end of the month, at least I know all of this was not in vain.
I want to say thank you, but sometimes thank you is not enough.