Archive for February, 2010

Moments Of Squee

February 25th, 2010

I’ve been wanting to write this post since New Years. I have opened up my dashboard, clicked add new, stared at the blank page and then promptly clicked the x on the tab thinking nobody really wants to hear this crap. I have repeated this numerous times in a “10 minutes to Wapner” Rainman sort of way. But then I think, “nobody wants to hear someone boast” even if that is not the intent of my ramblings. However, since then I have noticed a few other people do it and all echoing some of the same feelings and thoughts going through my mind. And except for posts about my children, my personal blog hasn’t been exactly the cheery ray of sunshine that it can be from time to time.

I don’t know how much I am going to say as I spew some of the incessant chatter which keeps popping up in my brain but if I don’t vomit it out soon, my brain my just implode upon itself as it gets overwhelmed by the noise. I tweeted earlier today, “Even so I weather more than my fair share of shit storms, I do have to say I have a pretty freaking awesome existence. Surreal at many times.” If someone were to tell me even 2 years ago I would experience, do and talk to some of the people I have had the awesome opportunity to become acquainted with over the last year and a half, I would have told them to fuck off.

Growing up, I never had big dreams for myself. I have never been one of those people who spent many hours, days, months or years thinking about a grand life. Yes I have thought of many jobs or careers that I would love to have but never in such a fashion where I would feel like a failure if I did not accomplish it. I am not one of these people who find it necessary or even have the want to write a “bucket list”. Life has been much less disappointing that way I think. This does not mean I do not have goals or ambitions and I am a very task orientated person but life is too short for what-ifs, regrets and disappointments (even so I have experiences a fair share of disappointments but no regrets and no what-ifs).

I see myself as a little fish in a big pond. I find it very weird when people refer to me in any way, shape or form as a “celebrity” even if I may be somewhat known in some circles. A few weeks ago, I made my first “celebrity” appearance at a gaming convention and it was a very weird feeling when people would say, “OMG! You’re Jules. I know who you are!” And I would actually say aloud very puzzled, “Really?” I have had a few people go fanboy/girl over me. That was weird as well. I do not think I will ever become accustomed to that and I really hope I do not. Tomorrow I may decide to stop doing whatever it is I do or I may decide to expand or… Well you just never know what may happen. I really do not know as I haven’t really thought it through because I never ever imagined I would be doing what it is I do to begin with. As I said during the Geeky Media panel at GottaCon, on a whim (never expecting to get the job) I decided to apply for a job as a radio personality and kinda just fell into what it has become. It took me a few days to make that decision because I figured thousands would be applying for it (and they did) but once I told myself “the worse that can happen is you don’t get a response” and I was okay with that, I sent in my application, got a response less than 5 hours later and the rest as they say is history. And it all snowballed from there, me never once thinking that it would. I did it because I have a passion and I have been so very fortunate that people have decided they want to share that passion with me. This leads to moments of squee.

I feel stupid at times not giving myself credit that maybe I should give myself. And then I see people like Wil Wheaton and Shane Nickerson having the same moments and watch Stephen Fry and Craig Ferguson discuss how no matter how “big” you get, most of us always feel like we are a little fish and I find it comforting. I am in no way putting myself in the same category as these people however I mention a couple of them because I have been fortunate enough to have them take hours out of their time (and a few other people) to sit down with me and talk. Why, I have no bloody idea but they have. I ask myself often, “why me?” and I doubt I will ever be able to answer that question but they did and I can’t help but to have moments of squee when I think about it.

And then I get crazy ideas (and I think they are also brilliant ideas but still crazy none the less). I am currently trying to figure out if my latest brilliant but crazy idea is feasible. I have no idea where to start actually executing it but I know people who do. People know that I “know people” (whatever that means. I can remember talking with kid2 about astronomy one day and I was correcting him on Planet X and he said to me, “how do you know that mom?” I was about to tell him, “because Astronomy is like a hobby of mine and when I was younger I wanted to be an Astrophysicist” but before I had the chance to response he said, “Oh never mind. You “know” people”) and I have had a few people ask me to use this knowledge for their own benefit. My answer is always no. Unless it is an extraordinary circumstance and I can be fairly certain the person I would be contacting wouldn’t mind, I just don’t feel right about it. I feel as if I would be breaking some kind of trust. But then one of my crazy ideas come and they are really the only people I know that may be able to offer some advice and I spend days humming and hawing over whether to ask or not. Then, once again I realize “the worst that can happen is no reply” and I ask. I don’t know how much more about this I am comfortable talking about because once again it boils down to rules I have made for myself about keeping confidentiality, privacy and respect. I very recently had another one of these ideas and it has ended up in more moments of squee.

I am so very fortunate. I do not know how I got here. I do not know what I did. I do not want to over think it either in case it all unravels and someone misinterprets my intentions. I just can’t wrap my head around it at times and if I don’t let some of those internal moments of squee become externalized, I feel as if I am going to explode due to this overwhelming sense of gratitude and amazement of it all. I have had some pretty surreal moments in the past week and none of which I can talk about openly. But I do want to say this. One of the questions asked during the Geeky Media panel was about how to make industry contacts. That is a question I have and never will answer directly because (see above re: rules I’ve set for myself) but I will say this: 1) be honest and get to know your subject for your subject and not for their job, and 2) always remember the worst that can happen is not getting a response. Keeping those things in mind may just lead to your own moments of squee.

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In Which Kid2 Stands Up For What He Believes

February 15th, 2010

There has to be a better word to describe your amazing children than just amazing. And the word proud doesn’t even begin to articulate how I feel. I have raised my boys to stand up for what they believe in and to voice their opinions. I have raised my children to not allow themselves to be bullied by anyone. They have a wonderful sense of self and it shows.

Kid2 has been doing a lot of standing up for himself, others and for what he believes lately. When he comes home from school and tells me some of the stories, part of my high fives him and part of me winces as I wonder what on earth his school possibly thinks about his actions. A couple examples of this is: 1) he circulated a petition at school that he was going to present to the Principal in an effort to get a substitute teacher reprimanded for her bullying behavior towards the students, 2) this same teacher tried to take away snack and PE as punishment for the children not behaving. Despite worry that he may be sent to the Principal’s office, he stood up in front of the class and told the teacher she was not allowed to this as it was against the law (1 hour of daily physical activity is MANDATORY in this province for school aged children. The school is responsible for providing part of that physical activity on a daily basis and the parents are responsible for the rest. Snack time is mandatory as well). Then he told her that if she did, he would leave the classroom to go immediately to the Principal and tell. The teacher backed down and responded with, “well you guys just are bad and are behaving poorly.” He came home to tell me the story and I was very proud that he was not afraid to stand up for his and his fellow classmates’ rights regardless that it was a person in authority breaking them. Today was another such incident.

Because the Olympics are happening right now and because this province is hosting them, they are having to learn all about them. I am anti-Olympics being in B.C. for a lot of reasons. Kid2 knows this but I have never told him my reasons. When he asked what my reasons were, I told him that he needs to form his own opinions regarding the Olympics and choose for himself if he was for or against them. It is not my place to push my beliefs on this matter onto him and told him to do his own investigations. So without telling me that is what he did. Today the teacher gave the students the following assignment: Watch the Olympics daily and report back on how Canada did.

Upon receiving this assignment, Kid2 (he is 10) told the teacher there is no way he would be doing this assignment. When asked why not, he responded with “because I do not believe the Olympics should be here and will not support them let alone watch them on TV.” The teacher then asked him why he didn’t support the Olympics and he said, “Because of the Olympics being in BC, education and health care were cut. Because of the Olympics being in BC, important social programs were cut. Because of the Olympics being in BC, taxes are going up. Because of the Olympics being in BC, jobs are being lost. Because of the Olympics being in BC, homeless are being kidnapped from the streets of Vancouver and relocated so that they do not embarrass the province. Because of the Olympics being in BC, poor people were evicted from their houses to make room for athletes. Because of the Olympics being in BC, access to part of Vancouver are being restricted. Because of the Olympics being in BC, we have lost our free speech and can go to jail for being anti-Olympics. And there are more things I still need to read about.”

When he told me about the conversation my mind did a mix of cheering and thinking “oh crap!” But what happened as a result of him standing up for his convictions was pretty awesome. The teacher told him he did not have to watch the Olympics. That instead he would do a different project. He has to make a poster stating why he is anti-Olympics.

Free speech may be dead for a lot of people right now as a result of the Olympics but I am so happy that it is alive and well in my child’s classroom. I am very proud of him at this moment. This is just another example of something huge that he has done to make sure he is heard and standing up for what he believes despite fear of prosecution.

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Things Associated With Grandma

February 14th, 2010

When I was in school, we use to have two exercises called U.S.S.R (Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading) and U.S.S.W (Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Writing). During U.S.S.W we were given a subject to write about. U.S.S.W was broken into two parts. The first part we just wrote down all the single words that popped into our head regarding the subject. The rule was the pencil was to not leave the paper, just write anything and everything even if it made no sense. The second part was using those words in the story. Again, you just wrote without even thinking, trying to use as many of those words as possible. And again, the pencil was not to leave the paper. Later on you would go back and make the story into more while thinking about it.

Today, as I do every February 14, my grandma has been heavily on my mind. I have not been able to stop thinking about her. But instead of the normal thoughts about her, my brain has been doing its own U.S.S.W sending me flashes of single words and images, and single ideas of things associated with grandma. Instead of writing my normal letter to grandma, I think I am just going to spend a few minutes just purging those images. Perhaps that is the best way I can honour her this year.

  1. Rock candy
  2. Cross-stiching
  3. Hot Apple Juice
  4. Afternoon tea
  5. Toast with marmalade
  6. Rice Crispies with bananas
  7. Falsies
  8. Slacks
  9. Adjustable bed
  10. Dentures
  11. Plastic Canvas
  12. Library
  13. Osoyoos
  14. Crafting
  15. Blouse
  16. Popbang
  17. Church
  18. Shakespeare
  19. Neil Diamond
  20. Englebert Humperdink
  21. Nana Mouskouri
  22. Julio Iglesias
  23. Oxygen
  24. Respirator
  25. Soft hands
  26. Crafting
  27. Reading
  28. Sewing
  29. Listerine
  30. Rose Soap
  31. Arizona
  32. Oroville, Washington
  33. Black Widow
  34. Rattle Snakes
  35. Tarantula
  36. Road Runner
  37. Coyote
  38. Oranges
  39. Cherry Tomatoes
  40. Cherries
  41. Apples
  42. Peaches
  43. Apricots
  44. Plums
  45. Orchards
  46. Lake
  47. Swimming
  48. Turtles
  49. Sunburn
  50. Knitting
  51. Crocheting
  52. Rice Crispy Treats
  53. Chocolate
  54. Love
  55. Compassion
  56. Goodwill
  57. Integrity
  58. Altruism
  59. Philanthropy
  60. Charity
  61. Kindness
  62. Polident
  63. Vacations
  64. Chronic Illness
  65. Berry candies
  66. Macintosh toffee
  67. Art
  68. Emily Carr
  69. Erma Bombeck
  70. Farley Mowat
  71. Pierre Berton
  72. The Wizard of Oz
  73. Winnie The Pooh
  74. Alice In Wonderland
  75. Peter Pan
  76. C.S. Lewis
  77. A.A. Milne
  78. Lucy Maud Montgomery
  79. Little House On The Prairie
  80. Highway To Heaven
  81. L. Frank Baum
  82. Judy Blume
  83. The Sound Of Music
  84. The Cat In The Hat
  85. Dr. Seuss
  86. Hans Christian Anderson
  87. The Brothers Grimm
  88. Doilies
  89. Art Deco
  90. Maple

If my grandma were still alive, she would be 90. So I think here is a good place to stop.

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You'd Think After 17 Years I Could Say Goodbye

February 13th, 2010

In a few hours it will be the 17th anniversary of the saddest day of my life. On February 14, 1993, when I was 17, my grandma passed away. You would think after all these years, this day would be easier for me. It is not. Normally the tears begin when I wake up on Valentine’s Day, but this year they have started early.

Every year, I write a letter to my grandma in hopes that it will enable me to finally say goodbye. Every year I try and do something in order to honour her memory, praying that I can finally let go of all the pain surrounding this horrendous day. And every year, it fails miserably.

I don’t know why I can’t say goodbye. Maybe it is because I was the only family member who was not allowed to see her for the final year of her life. I was in foster care and while my mother still allowed my sister to visit grandma whenever she wanted to, my mom was telling everyone I was dead and I was not welcomed. The last time I had seen my grandma was when I tried to come home on my 16th birthday and my mom wouldn’t even let me past the front door. I was the only family member not present at the time of her death. My sister was lucky enough to be sleeping with her when she died (even so she would have nightmares about it for years). I however, received a very cold phone call hours after her death as I was about to leave for my morning wardrobe and make-up call. It was the opening weekend of a musical I was in (South Pacific) and if it were not for finding out that the last things grandma said before she went into her final coma was how proud she was of me for my dancing and acting, and a wonderful and supportive cast and crew, I don’t think I would have made it through the day.

Maybe because it is 17 years later and my grandma is still not buried. I have no where physical that I can visit her. My mother still carries her ashes around and for a million reasons I am not going to get into, I have no where to visit my grandma besides in my mind. My brain tells me that should be enough but my heart aches over this.

Maybe it is because I have nothing tangible of my grandma’s that I can look at or hold on to on the days that I really miss her (which is often). There were a lot of things that were written into her Will that I was to receive and because my mom was the Executor, I received none of it. Again my brain tells me these things do not matter as my grandma left me with such a wonderful legacy but then why am I sitting here in tears unable to breathe? Why am I unable to find closure?

My grandma was the most amazing woman anyone could have ever met. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for her. She made sure that I always knew I was important and that I was a good person regardless of what my mother would say. She made sure that I knew I was loved. She made sure to take time for me to teach me things I would never know despite her being chronically ill and hooked up to oxygen for all of my life. She made sure to let me know she was proud of my accomplishments and was the only person who allowed me to be flawed. She taught me invaluable lessons about how to live with chronic illness. Lessons that had I not learned, I think my Lupus would have destroyed me years ago because I wouldn’t know how to fight it, find the positives in it and how to try and be a model for others.

I really wish I had had the chance to say goodbye to her in person. I really wish I could hear her voice one more time. I really wish I could find a way to be okay with all the hurt surrounding her death. They say time heals all wounds but I think there are some wounds that never heal, you just get better at concealing them. I just want the pain to end. What I wouldn’t do to just have 5 more minutes with her so that I could thank for all that she did and tell her one final time that I love her. That is all I wanted to do before she died, was to let her know how much she was appreciated (because everyone else would just take from her) and to let her know how much I loved her. And I couldn’t. And that kills me. I feel that I have been robbed from something and I don’t know how to make the hurting stop. I wish…

You’d think after 17 years I could say goodbye…

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Initiate Auto-Destruct Sequence. Authorization: Lupus, 4 7 Alpha Tango

February 12th, 2010

There are things that no matter how many times I experience them, they still fascinate and amaze me. My body breaking down when I am getting sick in rapid fashion is one of those. I have been living with Lupus for over a decade now. I am constantly sore and fatigued because aside from my primary disorders of Lupus and Antiphospholipid Syndrome I have many secondary disorders, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia being two of them. On a good day my pain levels are about a 4. On a normal day they hang between a 6-8. This is with being on 8 different medications to treat my various faces of Lupus. On a bad day is when I finally have to visit my doctor or emergency for prescription pain killers because I can no longer cope with the day to day pain.  My doctors have been wanting to put me on Prednisone and daily prescription pain killers and antibiotics for years now. But that is the last line of defense and I am not willing to roll over, give in and stop fighting.

It is very hard to explain all of this to people. Especially when I share this very painful part of my life and instead of just listening, I am greeted with pity. My days are difficult. Simple tasks such as walking to the bathroom take me a long time as I need to talk myself into taking the steps necessary to walk. Every step is like knives are being dug into my joints. But I get up and do it. I move through my days moment to moment if that is what it takes to make it through the pain. And that is on a not so bad day. There are many other inconveniences that I live with thanks to Lupus and normally I do not think about them as they are always there and I just do what it takes. And then events like tonight happen and I become fascinated with just how Lupus works and I wish I had some way of examining my cells as this process takes place. It would be very interesting to be able to sit in and hear the conversations between the different systems and cells in my body as the battles that rage inside my body advance from little and quiet skirmishes to full out brutal and bloody war.

I have spent most of the last 6 weeks sick (and by sick I mean it becomes more difficult to do the moment to moment and I am at a point where I have to make a complaint about it). It started off with a really bad chest infection right at Christmas that started off feeling like a simple cold to become close to the point of hospitalization overnight. I was put on antibiotics and was as fine as you can be with Lupus for about a week. Then shortly after my birthday, I got another cold. This one hung in there for a very long time. I kept tweeting that I needed to get better by Feb 3 because I was going to GottaCon and I knew that would completely breakdown my defensive system. One small phaser blast and my shields would be down. I did not get better, however I learned from my experience at PAX when I ended up contracting H1N1 what extra precautions to take on top of the already extra precautions I took. (Yes going to GottaCon may not have been the best choice, but I need to actually live life once in awhile and there are acceptable risks you take especially when you are at war. Sometimes you need to sacrifice a few troops in order to win the larger battle.) I made sure to spend as much time as possible off of my feet. I made sure to drink more fluids. I made sure to always have something in my hands whenever possible so that I had an excuse to not shake hands as I was there on a public appearance as a special guest but didn’t want to appear rude when introducing myself or having to go into some explanation as to why I wouldn’t shake their hand. I washed my hands even more frequently than I normally would. And even so I didn’t get as much sleep as I should, I did get a lot more than I did at PAX.

I left GottaCon feeling tired and exhausted. However, unlike PAX, it wasn’t an unusual level of tired and exhausted, it was within my range of what I would consider normal for me. Then tonight it happened. Within less than an hour, my cold progressed from a mild cough now and then and a somewhat irritated throat to being barely able to swallow and feeling as if my throat is being ripped up my neck and out my nose every time I sneeze. My glands went from normal to the size of walnuts in what felt like a nanosecond, my sinuses are pounding and my head is all fuzzy. It is as if the auto-destruct sequence was initiated and somebody forgot to abort it.  As awful as this may sound I cannot help but to be enthralled by the whole process. All I can think right now is that I wish I had Dr. Crusher’s sickbay so that I can place myself under the scanners and just watch the chaos that is currently going on inside of my body. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we had even a fraction of this technology? Technology that does not require giving blood or more invasive procedures. Technology that can help us scan and map in real time, to listen in on the communication process between all the different factions currently at war. Imagine all that we could learn about disease especially a disease that fights as covertly and in such a guerrilla manner as Lupus. Imagine the possibilities. I just can’t help but to think of the mechanics and the wonder of it all.

Fascinating.

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Superhero

February 9th, 2010

I have seriously awesome children.  If you have ready any of my blog posts about my children, you may have a small idea of just how fantabulous they are. Today Kid2 reached a new level of beyond wonderful.

Upon return from school today, he burst through the door declaring, “I was 40 minutes late for school today but I have a really good reason mom!” I thought to myself “it better be a damn good reason considering you left for school 10 minutes earlier than normal” but I shoved that thought deep inside and asked, “why were you late?”

That is when he proceeded to tell me one of the most horrendous stories I have ever heard. His friend and he were walking to school when they saw a cat crossing the road. A volkswagon was driving up the road. When it got to the cat, instead of slowing down the car sped up and purposely ran over the cat. (Later on his friend would describe the event in more detail. Telling me that when the car ran over the cat, it made the most disgusting and loud thud he had ever heard.) After running over the cat in front of my son and his friend it sped off. Kid2 said he had tried to see a license plate number but didn’t get it in time.

So his friend and he went to get the cat. They picked it up, wrapped it up in one of their coats and proceeded to knock on all the doors in the area trying to find the owner. None of the people they talked to said the cat was theirs. At last they knocked on a door that said even so the cat was not his, he was going to take the cat to the vet for treatment. Later on, that man showed up to kid2′s school to let him know that if it were not for him and his friend, the cat would have died. However, thanks to their actions the cat is being treated for its injuries and should live.

This is one of the proudest moments I have had as a parent. My children continue to grow up into fine young gentlemen and making tough decisions that may cause them to get into trouble but are the right thing to do regardless. Kid2 reached a whole new level of superhero today.

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