I’ve been wanting to write this post since New Years. I have opened up my dashboard, clicked add new, stared at the blank page and then promptly clicked the x on the tab thinking nobody really wants to hear this crap. I have repeated this numerous times in a “10 minutes to Wapner” Rainman sort of way. But then I think, “nobody wants to hear someone boast” even if that is not the intent of my ramblings. However, since then I have noticed a few other people do it and all echoing some of the same feelings and thoughts going through my mind. And except for posts about my children, my personal blog hasn’t been exactly the cheery ray of sunshine that it can be from time to time.
I don’t know how much I am going to say as I spew some of the incessant chatter which keeps popping up in my brain but if I don’t vomit it out soon, my brain my just implode upon itself as it gets overwhelmed by the noise. I tweeted earlier today, “Even so I weather more than my fair share of shit storms, I do have to say I have a pretty freaking awesome existence. Surreal at many times.” If someone were to tell me even 2 years ago I would experience, do and talk to some of the people I have had the awesome opportunity to become acquainted with over the last year and a half, I would have told them to fuck off.
Growing up, I never had big dreams for myself. I have never been one of those people who spent many hours, days, months or years thinking about a grand life. Yes I have thought of many jobs or careers that I would love to have but never in such a fashion where I would feel like a failure if I did not accomplish it. I am not one of these people who find it necessary or even have the want to write a “bucket list”. Life has been much less disappointing that way I think. This does not mean I do not have goals or ambitions and I am a very task orientated person but life is too short for what-ifs, regrets and disappointments (even so I have experiences a fair share of disappointments but no regrets and no what-ifs).
I see myself as a little fish in a big pond. I find it very weird when people refer to me in any way, shape or form as a “celebrity” even if I may be somewhat known in some circles. A few weeks ago, I made my first “celebrity” appearance at a gaming convention and it was a very weird feeling when people would say, “OMG! You’re Jules. I know who you are!” And I would actually say aloud very puzzled, “Really?” I have had a few people go fanboy/girl over me. That was weird as well. I do not think I will ever become accustomed to that and I really hope I do not. Tomorrow I may decide to stop doing whatever it is I do or I may decide to expand or… Well you just never know what may happen. I really do not know as I haven’t really thought it through because I never ever imagined I would be doing what it is I do to begin with. As I said during the Geeky Media panel at GottaCon, on a whim (never expecting to get the job) I decided to apply for a job as a radio personality and kinda just fell into what it has become. It took me a few days to make that decision because I figured thousands would be applying for it (and they did) but once I told myself “the worse that can happen is you don’t get a response” and I was okay with that, I sent in my application, got a response less than 5 hours later and the rest as they say is history. And it all snowballed from there, me never once thinking that it would. I did it because I have a passion and I have been so very fortunate that people have decided they want to share that passion with me. This leads to moments of squee.
I feel stupid at times not giving myself credit that maybe I should give myself. And then I see people like Wil Wheaton and Shane Nickerson having the same moments and watch Stephen Fry and Craig Ferguson discuss how no matter how “big” you get, most of us always feel like we are a little fish and I find it comforting. I am in no way putting myself in the same category as these people however I mention a couple of them because I have been fortunate enough to have them take hours out of their time (and a few other people) to sit down with me and talk. Why, I have no bloody idea but they have. I ask myself often, “why me?” and I doubt I will ever be able to answer that question but they did and I can’t help but to have moments of squee when I think about it.
And then I get crazy ideas (and I think they are also brilliant ideas but still crazy none the less). I am currently trying to figure out if my latest brilliant but crazy idea is feasible. I have no idea where to start actually executing it but I know people who do. People know that I “know people” (whatever that means. I can remember talking with kid2 about astronomy one day and I was correcting him on Planet X and he said to me, “how do you know that mom?” I was about to tell him, “because Astronomy is like a hobby of mine and when I was younger I wanted to be an Astrophysicist” but before I had the chance to response he said, “Oh never mind. You “know” people”) and I have had a few people ask me to use this knowledge for their own benefit. My answer is always no. Unless it is an extraordinary circumstance and I can be fairly certain the person I would be contacting wouldn’t mind, I just don’t feel right about it. I feel as if I would be breaking some kind of trust. But then one of my crazy ideas come and they are really the only people I know that may be able to offer some advice and I spend days humming and hawing over whether to ask or not. Then, once again I realize “the worst that can happen is no reply” and I ask. I don’t know how much more about this I am comfortable talking about because once again it boils down to rules I have made for myself about keeping confidentiality, privacy and respect. I very recently had another one of these ideas and it has ended up in more moments of squee.
I am so very fortunate. I do not know how I got here. I do not know what I did. I do not want to over think it either in case it all unravels and someone misinterprets my intentions. I just can’t wrap my head around it at times and if I don’t let some of those internal moments of squee become externalized, I feel as if I am going to explode due to this overwhelming sense of gratitude and amazement of it all. I have had some pretty surreal moments in the past week and none of which I can talk about openly. But I do want to say this. One of the questions asked during the Geeky Media panel was about how to make industry contacts. That is a question I have and never will answer directly because (see above re: rules I’ve set for myself) but I will say this: 1) be honest and get to know your subject for your subject and not for their job, and 2) always remember the worst that can happen is not getting a response. Keeping those things in mind may just lead to your own moments of squee.