I have a feeling that even so Geeky Pleasures will be taking a bit of down time, my personal blog will become a little more active as I try to download and assimilate what is currently going on within me and around me.
People who really know me and see me know that I do not “feel” things in the same way that most do. They lovingly tease me and call me Spock, Data or girlybot as the way I achieve emotion is a very logical sequence of events and equations. It is very rare occasion indeed when something causes me have an emotional reaction upon receiving information. When I receive information and input, I stop and think about it. I go through a mental checklist of what it means and how it may or may not impact me. And then I assign an emotion to it, if one is assigned at all. For the most part things fall into the category of “not changing anything at the end of the day” so there is indifference. The situation just “is” and there is no need to feel anything about it. This does not mean I do not feel things because I do. It is just different how I go about it. I still love and deeply. I still experience happy and sad and things in between but it is different. Very few people understand this.
But something very interesting has happened recently. I am experiencing an emotion that I thought was not possible and would argue to death with people over why it just is not possible. It is completely illogical and irrational and there is no way it can be real. I went through a sort of circuit overload this past weekend trying to rationalize it, trying to label it because I did not what “it” was. Trying to figure out the cause because I could not attribute a specific and tangible cause to it and say, “I feel this because of _____.” There was no clear cut cause and effect and it troubled me to no end. I thought I was broken and maybe a reformat was necessary. Something extremely hinky was going on. But then a wonderful thing happened. With some help I was able to come to the realization that it is not something that can be rationalized. There is no equation behind it, it just is. That was a hard thing for me to accept but I have. It will never happen, so just go with. And that is what I am going to do. I am going to ride the new found wave of emotion and let it take me wherever it does. I am not going to stop and try and analyze it and figure it out and box it up. I am just going to feel.
I wish I could express what it is I am feeling. The closest I can come to explaining part of is the sheer Awesome joy one experiences after they have just given birth and are holding their new born baby for the very time. Just the overwhelming Awe and pure Joy of the whole situation. This is so different, but that is the closest thing to… at least I think but this isn’t something to think.
This situation kind of reminds me of the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Data’s emotion chip is turned on and he eats something he hates for the first time. Just the huge awesome of feeling of what it is like to have dislike for something. I believe the scene went something like (I cannot locate the correct quote at the moment and am not going to dig through all my episodes of TNG):
Data: This is disgusting! I hate it!
Guinan: Would you like some more?
Data: Yes! Please!
Now this isn’t hate but I understand the “joy” of experiencing something the first time and just wanting to repeat it for as long as it takes. Developmentally, this is a huge step for me.
