Archive for March 19th, 2010

Life Forever Changed

March 19th, 2010

I do not know if the title of this blog is fitting or not. But it just may, so there it is. And I do not know if this blog will make a lot of sense or it may just make total sense. It will be whatever it is as I spit out some of my thoughts that have been circulating through my brain the past couple of days.

A few days ago, I tweeted “The Beatles sang All You Need Is Love. While I do not completely agree, it certainly does help on days life serves you heaping piles of crap.” Why is this relevant to my thoughts? Maybe that will become more clear as I purge.

In the last year and a bit my life has taken some huge twists and turns. Some of them really positive and some of them really negative. And if I were at any other point in my life up until my current point, I would have had to navigate these changes alone. Even if I were to be in a relationship while these changes were occurring, nobody would have taken the time to really let me share these changes with them in a way (that even so sharing actually scares the crap out of me) I longed to. I grew up with no security whatsoever. My entire life, it has been something that I craved. I do have my longest best friend that I can always tell whatever to, however his life is not such where it is convenient for me to call him up whenever and just dump the good and the bad. I navigated life alone and I had come to a point where I believed that is just the way it was going to be.

In the last month, I have had more than my fair share of “OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!” moments. I have been having many of these over the past year and a bit but they are coming more and more frequently and some days I think I may just explode. Each of these moments have the potential of being forever life changing. Then a couple weeks ago, I had the biggest “OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!” moments. Bigger than any moment most people will ever experience. A moment so huge my life was forever changed within the matter of seconds. Huge, life-altering OMFG! As a result of this moment and some other moments that accompany it, I have spent a lot of time the last little while crying. And unlike other times where I have cried for long periods because life is crap and it can be overwhelming, for the first time in my life (aside from holding my boys for the very first time), they are tears of joy. Pure joy. Awesome joy. Indescribable joy. A joy that I cannot wait until the time is right where I can share the whys with the entire world. I long for that day because, well… there are many reason. Stuff like this does not happen in real life (or so I thought).

But here is another awesome thing that I have learned as a result of this event that has and will forever change my life in a smaller way but still in an awesome way. I have come to know that for the first time in my life, I am not alone. Some may not understand why this so important. But it is huge and I am so thankful. It may have taken 34 years for this to occur, but I am FINALLY in a place in my life where I have people who I can turn to whenever. I have people in my life who I can share the really high highs and the really low lows. I have people in my life where I can explode all that is going on and they do not judge and they are happy for me and they do not offer up advice unless I ask for it and they just listen, if that is all I am needing. It may not be a huge number of people but that is not what matters any way. All I’ve ever wanted is just one person and I have a handful of people that, should I need it, I can call on them and they will be there, like really be there. Grateful and thankful doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel especially since the crazy life of Jules can be very crazy at times. It is taxing on me to carry it, let alone for  someone else to willingly take on part of the burden and share both the good and bad. Especially when the phrase “only in the life of Jules” is so very true and can be a bit much.

So my life is forever changed. And I guess it could be said that the timing for everything is just right but I think that really diminishes all that is going on. I still have a lot of crap going on, some of which decided to rear its ugly head this week and say “Sucker! You can’t have a single day without shit being thrown at you. You are happy so here is some crap!” But for once I do not feel burdened. It is the first time in my life where I do not feel burdened. First time in my life where I can comfortably yell at the world, “Throw me both the good and the bad! Because I have a crew of awesome willing to help take it all on!”

I have an Alfred and I no longer have to go home, alone, to my fortress of solitude.