Archive for April, 2010

In Which I Tell My Story And Talk About My Thousand Faces Of Lupus

April 26th, 2010

In response to my World Lupus Day project, you asked your questions about my lupus and I did my best to answer them. The podcast is long. 2 hr 28 min 42 sec and 136 MB. The first 1 hr and 26 minutes or so, I talked about the physical faces of my lupus. The last hour and a bit, I talked about the emotional faces of my lupus. And it is certainly emotional. It is the most open and honest I have been in public about this part of my lupus.

After I had finished it, I had many thoughts of “Crap! I forgot to say this! Shit! I forgot to say that!” I was going to write about all the things I forgot until I listened to it before saving it. I’m just going to leave it as is. I will warn you. You may either want to grab a box of tissue or maybe not listen. There is also a couple instances of NSFW language. Despite how afraid I am at the moment, I do hope that you listen to the entire almost 2.5 hours of it. Hopefully, some real awareness will result. As I said in the podcast, if you have any other questions as a result of this, please leave them in the comment section and I will do this again.

Thank you for taking the time. To download, right click save as this link or listen below.

Questions About My Lupus

April 23rd, 2010

Ever since I announced my World Lupus Day project a few days ago, I have been getting a lot of questions about my lupus, both in public and private. And for that I am thankful. However, here is the suck ass thing about it. I am going through a flare at the moment. And it is starting to totally kick my ass. I have a lot going on in my life right now and one of the retarded things about lupus (well my lupus anyway) is that when anything extra happens (whether it is good or bad), the added stresses impact me in big ways. The thing being attacked the worse at the moment is my brain. Because of this, I have been finding type communication that much more difficult.

I want to answer your questions. It is very important to me that I answer your questions. But I feel to answer them properly, I cannot do so in text format. It literally hurts to do so, both physically and mentally. So this is what I am asking. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ask you questions. Leave them here in the comments section. Then on Sunday night, I will answer them in audio format and upload it as a podcast. I may even include some relevant chapters from my book. I will try not to cry this time a I did when I read the introduction when I was interviewed by TMA but somehow I think that will prove difficult.

Any questions that come in after Sunday, I will still answer them but I cannot guarantee how quickly I can get to them as the deadline for my World Lupus Day project gets closer. I need to conserve my energy at the moment if I am going to get this done.

You really all are truly awesome and you’re support has been so overwhelming.

In Which My World Lupus Day Idea Becomes Reality And Comes To Fruition

April 20th, 2010

All that I can really say right now is wow and thank you. I never thought in a million years that my crazy idea to help bring attention and awareness to Lupus would come to fruition and be a reality. I want to thank everyone who helped by giving me ideas. I am actually quite amazed and impressed with myself as well. I tweeted my idea, I put it on Facebook and I blogged about. Within hours, I got feedback, both in public and private. I sat on the idea for 24 hours and then the “how” I would execute it flashed inside of my head. And within hours, the beginning of the final project had been created and you can now go check it out at http://lupus.juliasherred.com. When I posted my blog two nights ago, I thought it would be at least a week before anything concrete would happen where I could create a dedicate site for it. Again, thank you everyone for coming so quickly on board with this, spreading the word, giving ideas and making another of my crazy ideas a reality. It really would have just stayed a crazy idea without your support. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

And just to give you little summary of what you can find over on the dedicated site, here is the front page write-up:

Welcome to World Lupus Day: A Virtual Gallery To Bring Awareness To Lupus.

Hi, my name is Julia “Jules” Sherred and I have Lupus. Some of you may already be familiar with my story and others may not.

My story is long and it has been a difficult one. This may be one of the only things I may be able to say that will link my story to all others who live with this disease. Lupus has a thousand faces and often times this makes it difficult to adequately explain what exactly Lupus is. Many people have no idea what Lupus is or how it works.  Sure they hear the phrase thrown around as some sort of catchphrase or meme but many remain unaware of what Lupus is outside of hearing in on some television program. Even the medical profession is still trying to find some much needed answers in an effort to unravel the mystery of this disease. And this is one of the reasons I decided to create this site.

One night I was sitting and thinking of possible ways to do something grand in honour of World Lupus Day. I wanted to do something big-ish. Something, regardless of where someone lived, they could participate. The only concrete idea I had was that I wanted it to have a heavy butterfly theme. Of course, other motifs and themes are more than welcome. I wanted to gather art, music, crafting, videos, stories, poems, anything anybody could think of to bring even a little bit more awareness to this disease outside of some catchphrase. Something artsy and multimedia. Something in which anyone can collaborate and contribute to despite their talents. I blogged about it and for some reason I didn’t think it would go far. In less than 24 hours, I had some amazing responses and was given many ideas that would enable me to put this “thing” into motion.

Below, you will find links to many ways in which you can help. You can choose to jump on board an existing project or if there is not a project already listed that you feel would be a good one, there is also a link to suggest new projects. I ask that all projects be completed by May 8th and any associated media (pictures, videos, stories, poems, etc.) be sent to me by Midnight PDT on that same date. That will give me 2 sleepless days rearranging the site so that it may become a virtual art gallery dedicated to Lupus, Lupus awareness and above all, dedicated to every person affected by this disease whether a sufferer or family member. Then on May 10 at 12 am PDT, the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly will be complete and all of our efforts can flutter out to the world.

In order to make this as successful as possible, I have created a Facebook event. Please invite every one that you know. As well, please pass on this URL to as many people as possible to make this event as big-ish as possible. If you have any questions or if you have media to send me for this project, please email me here.

Again, thank you.

Crazy Idea For World Lupus Day May 10

April 18th, 2010

So I am busy thinking of crazy ideas once again. This one is kinda immediate and urgent as May 10 is not that far away.

I want to do something big-ish in honour of World Lupus Day on May 10. Something where any one can collaborate on through the wonders of the internet. What exactly that consists of, what that thing is, I am still not sure. I do know that I want to to spread far and wide, beyond the reaches of TMA and my Geeky Pleasures connections. I want to collect a lot of different “things” in honour of this day and then host them all in one easy spot for people to find (with links pointing people to YouTube vids or blogs etc created for this).

Some ideas already tossed out at me are:

  1. Art Projects
  2. Music
  3. Stories
  4. Poetry
  5. Videos

My friend Ryan suggested to me ” You could go “we are the world” style, pick a song you think represents the cause, have people redo it, and edit it together” but what I was actually thinking was going on better if anyone was up to it. The symbol of Lupus is the butterfly. I was thinking maybe some of you would like to write for me your very own butterfly songs. It would be even cooler (and I can’t believe I am thinking this as I have not sung in public in so very long) if there was a song done that I could sing myself and I would create a video for it. GAH! I seriously cannot believe I am thinking that but it would be kinda cool I think.

I was also thinking I would create a FB event and for once spam the crap out of people to join in and have them spam the crap out of it for others to join it and that way it gives opportunities for many people to contribute in some fashion.

Any other suggestions, help, ideas would be greatly appreciated. Or maybe someone should tell me I am being an idiot for even suggesting a thing.

If you do not want to leave suggestions in the comments below, then email me here.

And Then He Was 11

April 16th, 2010

Kid2 is 11 today (officially at 22:14 PDT). For me, this birthday has a few different feelings surrounding it. This entire week I have been reliving the week leading up to his birth. He was born on a Friday and well… today is Friday. It was at the beginning of this week (which started with over 24 hours of false labour) that one of the longest weeks of my life began.

A week of having to convince the OB/GYN to approve an early induction because I was done with this pregnancy. I was done worrying if they would have to do surgery on his brain while he was still inside of me. I was done worrying if the swelling would return. I was done with the way too many doctor’s appointments. I was done and needed him out of me. I needed to hold him. I needed to touch him. I needed to breathe him.

Today marks the 11 year anniversary of those needs becoming a reality. Today is the anniversary of a day spent planning for the arrival of our newest addition. Today is the anniversary of trying to distract my brain until 17:00 PDT when I was to show up at the hospital to have my water broken. Today is the anniversary of 9 long months, followed by 5 hrs and 14 minutes of the most unimaginable pain coupled with complication, ending with one of the most joyous moments of my life, when Kid2 FINALLY took his first breath and screamed his big head off. I don’t even know where to begin expressing how wonderfully joyful this is (especially since he almost didn’t make it through the pregnancy) and how extremely difficult it is to watch your children grow up and allow them to be their own person. He certainly is his own person and an amazing one at that.

I had thought I would include here the story of his birth which can be found in my book. That doesn’t seem appropriate for a few reason. I thought I would try and summarize some of the highlights from his life. That does not seem adequate. How can you effectively summarize the joys and pains of raising a beautiful young man? I don’t think I ever can.

So I guess that all I can really do is wish him a happy birthday, remind him how he truly is a miracle and maybe the last paragraph of his story is appropriate:

Even during the hardest of times, [Kid2] has been a constant source of humour and joy in my life. I have not even for the briefest of moments considered what my life would have been like had I decided to stay with my decision to tie my tubes and not have another child. He is one of my reasons.

Water And Music

April 15th, 2010

Disclaimer: This blog post is going to make sense to very few people, if anyone at all. This is Jules’ attempt to rationalize the primal.

When I have moments where stimuli get really overwhelming, there are two things that I can get completely lost in and it has the most amazing soothing and calming affect on me. This affect is on a primal level. These two things are water and music. I have written before about my love affair with music. I have also said that when it comes to expressing emotion, dance does this most effectively as it allows me to combine to of my favourite things: movement and sound. But I am not talking about outward expression of emotion here. I am not talking about ways that I find it possible for me to relay to others what I cannot on a rational level. I am speaking about a primal affect water and music have on me. Something that I get completely swept up in as this “something” swells up inside of me, awaking a part of me that few can touch, let alone see. It is almost tantric.

When the outside world gets too much, when the outside vibrations and stimuli vibrate out of control, when I feel the world is spinning faster than it should, when I feel I am a microsecond out of sync with reality, when my brain gets ever so twitchy, I can submerge into water or into music and vibrate on a different level, a primal level, a comforting level, a precognitive / prenatal level. Now even so things are awakened and stirred within me on a subatomic level where as I feel I am vibrating from the inside out and if the vibrations do not cease, I will be split apart and turned into the spaces separating these vibrating subatomic particles within me, I am calm. I am at peace. I am at rest. I am light. I am heavy. I am tingly. I am here and I am elsewhere. This despite the fact that within me I am moving faster than the speed of light and at any moment the forces that bind all of the particles that hold me together will be ripped apart and scattered throughout the cosmos, floating in perfect freedom. Time and space become no more. Freedom.

Sometimes I wonder if this has anything to do with a subconscious awareness of living surrounded by water. I am going to describe how I achieve this chaotic, primal bliss with water. Water from the sound of rain to the sound of a creek or river, the sound of the waves on the ocean, the sound of water as it is poured from a tap or just of water, calm me. Submersion does this most effectively. When the world is twitchy, I run a bath. I fill the tub as full as it will go. And then I will submerge myself in the water so that only my nose is out. The world disappears and all I hear is the sound of my breathing, whooshing of the beat of my heart and the odd muffled noise from the outside world. I often wonder if that is what is sounds like to a baby in utero when they hear the rhythm of their mother’s breathing and heart accompanied by a few muffled noises from the world outside. Whatever it is, it brings me peace as my rational self flys out of my body leaving nothing but the vibration of the primal.

Before I was born, I was surrounded by music. This carried through my entire life. My mom may have been very horrible on many level, but she was a brilliant musician, both artistically and technically. There was not a time in my life where there was not music. I find music freeing. If I am having a bad day, I can put on music and escape. Now for the whole, music offers me specific emotional releases. I can say this song causes me to feel this way because of this. But then there are those reality shattering pieces that cause my body to sing and vibrate on that primal level which can also be accomplished by being completely submerged by water.  As I listen to one of these pieces now (Beethoven’s Symphony No 7) I wonder if it is because the rhythm and waves of the music mimic and simulate that of the rhythm and waves causes by the beating of a heart or the lungs as they expand and collapse as they inhale and exhale, but they just carry me away to this whole other place. I am sure there is some way to test this hypothesis but you know what, these are one of the few cases where I don’t care how it works or why, I just need to know that it does.

Why am I typing all this gibberish and stuff that when I am back and grounded firmly in reality will probably not make any sense to be either? Because of the awesome Denise Hudson and her bringing Nimrod to my attention. Within less than a minute of listening to it, I was ripped away to this other place. This primal place where nothing exists. Freedom. She tweeted to me “the part between 50 seconds and a minute describes a pretty deeply encoded part of my personality I can’t put into words.” to which I responded, “you know what! I think I get it! And very shortly I am about to blog as to what it does for me and then you can tell me if I have some idea of exactly what you are talking about!” And you know what, I probably failed miserably at trying to rationalize and articulate this because I do not think there really is a way. Especially when I am in my current state of vibratic Euphoria.

Cave Dwelling

April 15th, 2010

Some people have noticed a decrease of noise coming from my direction. I haven’t updated Geeky Pleasures in almost 2 weeks and I think it has been about the same amount of time for my personal blog. My tweets stopped completely for quite a few days. I was not visible online anywhere for quite a number of days. I retreated to my cave. This is something I will do often for a number of reasons (which I will try to explain but may not make sense).

Some people are use to this as I have done this my entire life when certain things occur. In what seems to be the distant past, I would retreat to my Fortress of Solitude where nobody would hear from me at all for an undetermined amount of time as I tried to work through what is bothering me. More recently, my fortress has become more of a cave. Where as I block out most of the world, remain very introspective but I will share to an extent what is bothering me with one person. I find sharing what is bothering me to be both mentally and emotionally taxing. It does not help me at all. But for whatever weird reason, it makes others feel better when I do. Unlike most people, when I vent I have already decided how I am going to fix the problem. I have already found my solution. I do not want input or advice unless I specifically ask for it. I am just vocalizing the problem so that I can move forward. For me, the issue is not real (i.e. it is not tangible but just some abstract thought) until I turn the thought into words. I need to do that step purely out of function, not out of a need to share, in order to solve the problem.

So it is no wonder that when people ask me what is wrong, I find it to be very intrusive and it is a violation. If I wanted you to know, I would have already told you. I would invite you into my cave. Do not try and force your way into it otherwise you will be met with huge resistance. I do understand this is not the norm. However, sometimes I forget this. I forget that I am the alien who functions on a level that isn’t quite normal. I forget that is how people show they care. I forget that most people do not seek out help until it is too late. I forget that when new people come into my life, I have to re-explain the rules. Sometimes I wish I could post a list of the rules in one place where there was no chance of them being missed so that nobody can say “I didn’t know.”

I also think people get rather confused at times by my rules, even if they do know them. I see them as very clear cut. I see things in terms of either/or. There is no room for misinterpretation. I speak plain, simple English. There is no need to read between the lines. I do not have varying degrees of acceptable or unacceptable. Something is either “right” or it is “wrong”. So when people apply the normal world rules to me, the rules that tell them people never say what they mean and you have to try and find the real meaning, I get frustrated. I feel like I am invisible. I feel like I am not being taken seriously. I feel like I am wasting my time talking as people are not listening to what I am saying. It should not be difficult because I am a very literal person. I do not say something unless I think it should be heard, heard exactly as it is said with no secret layers. I forget that people are so use to doing that with others they tend to forget that I am different. However, knowing this doesn’t end the frustration I feel. If they actually *saw* me, they would not forget these things. And when they do forget, that is where I draw the distinction between this person being a friend and just an acquaintance, regardless if they think they are my friend. What they think our level of friendship is has no bearing on what category I place them in.

Now when my rules of social conduct get repeatedly broken (and it happens more and more as my life gets more and more public), it causes me to feel as if I am drowning in a sea of invisibleness. I feel as if I am trapped in a waking nightmare. I have a reoccurring nightmare where I need to say something really important, and no matter how much I try to speak or even scream, no sound comes out. It is the most horrible feeling ever and I wake up from those dreams crying and having a panic attack. When I feel that nightmare has become reality,  I retreat. The noises of the world, the illogic nature of people get to a point where if I do not retreat, I will regress into my cave forever. Readers are probably still confused as to what these rules are. Hopefully I can shed some light on this in just a bit.

There were a number of small things that caused my latest episode. The straw that broke the camel’s back was me asking a question and the recipient of this question thought it rhetorical. Once again it boils down to I speak plain, simple English. I am very literal (yes I have stated this but I think it is a point that really needs to be understood). I do not ask a question unless I expect a response. The exception to this is when I state something along the lines of “I know the answer to this” or “I’m not really asking.” If I do not say that, it means I am really asking. I have a very hard time with rhetorical questions. When people ask them, I do not come to realize that maybe it is rhetorical until after I have answered the damn thing. That issue was quickly resolved with the person. And had it occurred at any other time, I probably would not have reacted the way I did. But it was just one thing too many and my brain snapped. Just another Jules quirk in a long list of Jules quirks.

I have difficulty at times finding balance. For some crazy reason, people have become interested in my life. And if I were speaking to people one on one, I would have no issue being completely open about my life. Even so I am a very private person, I really do not mind sharing… to a degree. I am trying to figure out  way to be okay with doing this on a larger scale. I am trying to find a way to balance my need for privacy with my want to share in a way that works for everyone. I doubt this will ever be possible however. So something has to give and I am not yet sure what that something is, that something where I do not ever again feel the need to completely unplug from the digital world once and for all. Especially as there are many things that I have no problem what so ever sharing and will not share unless I am asked directly about it yet there are other things that if you ask about them, I will think you a nosy busy-body who has no idea what personal boundaries are.

I tweeted just a little while ago “I think I figured out a srce of confusion. Personal things involving only me I’m very likely 2 discuss. Personal things involving others, no.” So I think this is where a list of do’s and do not’s should come in. And hopefully this will clear up some confusion and I can emerge from my cave feeling safe.

Things that are okay:

People can ask me anything about my childhood and past, my likes and dislikes, my Lupus, things I may have already discussed on my blog but only if it does not involve other people. Things directly about “me” I am more than willing to share. And as a general rule, I will not discuss them unless I am directly asked something specific. Sure I relay stories etc about my life, but I really see everything you see here in public as just the surface stuff. If I didn’t feel it surface stuff, I wouldn’t share it as openly as I do.

If you ask about my children in public, you will probably get a generic response of “they are good.” Even in private, unless you are a part of my most inner circle (which is only a couple of people) you will not get any real information on them. This is one of those things where I will share what I want to share when I want to share it and what I feel is appropriate. They fall into the “sacred” category and thus there are very few people I will trust with it.

General questions about my spirituality or systems of belief are acceptable. However, once again if you ask me this question in public, I probably will not answer it. It has to do with I do not people to impose their beliefs on me and I will not impose it on others. I do believe there are any correct answers as far as this is concerned. It is not my job to tell others what to believe in this area and I expect the same courtesy in return. I will openly speak out against any form of fundamentalism. I will openly speak out when religious beliefs harm others. This come back to, I think this is a personal thing that should not be imposed upon others unless they ask specific questions. Ask me a specific question in private, I would love to share with the understanding that I am just sharing for information purposes. I really do not care what you choose to believe or not believe and I want the same respect in return. This being said, do not be surprised if you are met with “I am not comfortable discussing this with you” as a response. As this once again falls under the category of “sacred” only a precious couple will get all questions answered.

Things that are never okay:

NEVER ask me any personal questions on my Facebook wall. You can ask questions about things I have already made public on Facebook on my wall. This even includes: “Do you want to do this tonight?” “How are you feeling?” “I heard about this job, are you intersted?” and a variety of such things. It is nobodies business what I am up to. If I want people to know, I’ll tell them. Email was invented for a reason. Use it. If you are unsure if the question is personal or public, air on the side of caution and email me. Always be prepared for a “I’m not answering this” as a response. A general guideline: if I have not discussed it anywhere, I probably am not willing to.

NEVER ask me questions about my love life unless it is response to something I have already made public. If I wanted you to know a specific detail, you probably already know. There have been many discussions about this particular point lately as certain private things have become less private. However, I am not ready for the whole world to be involved yet for a couple very important to me reasons. And that is really all you need to know about that for now.

Unless I ask for your opinion or advice, please do not share it. As I stated above, when I vent it is purely for function so that I can move forward. If I ask a general question on Twitter or Facebook, this means I am looking for your input. I wouldn’t be asking if I were not. Same goes for one on one interactions. I have no problem asking questions. I am a very curious person. But please wait until I have asked otherwise I feel like you are intruding, regardless of who you are or what role you may have in my life.

Putting things on Facebook does not make it public. 99% of the people who I am friends with on Facebook do not follow me on Twitter and vice versa. They are two different things to me. I use them for two different reasons. So if I say something on Twitter, do not ask me about it on Facebook and vice versa. My Facebook is my very personal space. My children are on there. Not only pictures of them but they are my friends on Facebook (their choice, they friended me). I am very selective about who I accept as friends on there. And even so I am very selective, that does not mean I want everyone there to know everything that is going on with me. Very few people get to know everything about me. This is my life and even so it is somewhat public, I still should have a choice of what information gets shared, how and with whom. That being said, I know people will gossip. But those people I do not consider friends, they are not in my realm of importance and people will behave as if they are the National Enquirer. This last paragraph is more for the people that consider me a friend or feel they have some form of connection with me. If this is indeed how you think and feel, then I obviously expect this to be respected. I do the same for you.

There are probably more rules. But those are the ones that have been repeatedly stepped on lately (including rules/quirks posted before I listed more). And even if nobody respects them, I had to state them again. It is the only solution I could come up with which would allow myself to be comfortable climbing back out of my cave. And if someone steps on them again, at least I have something I can point them to which explains my point of view. And it is for these reasons, because of my maybe not so normal views on things (such as personal space) when I ask someone a question that I think is violating one of my own rules, I always state “If it is none of my business, please feel free to tell me to Fuck Off. I will completely understand.” And once again, if in doubt, email me.

I feel better now. Thanks.

Edit: Just in case it is not clear, if any of this is unclear and you’d like clarification please feel free to ask.

In Which I Beat Temptation And I Get Another Song! SQUEE!

April 4th, 2010

OMG! I am totally squee’ing at the moment! THIS IS AWESOME!! Holy shit! Seriously DUDES! And if you don’t squee once I am done with this, there is something seriously wrong with you! You will really want to read past the back story to hear the TOTALLY AWESOME AND WIN!

Okay, a bit of a back story. Lent just ended. And I do something every year for Lent. Not because a church tells me too, but for my own spiritual needs. Some of the hardest Lents included the year I gave up chocolate. Another hard Lent was the year I gave up sex. This year I gave up innuendo and double-entendre. I could still talk technically about sex but nothing that could fall under “that what s/he said!” I have to say this was harder than the years I gave up chocolate and sex, combined.

Once Lent was over, I had a huge release as I tweeted the following:

WOOT! It is Easter! Time to celebrate a guy who was nail with wood, rose to the occasions and came 3 days later. May he come again.

Lent was long and hard. It tried to beat me. But like a trooper, I rode it for 1104 hours right till the very end. I came through it like a champ. I would like to thank everyone for making it a group event. Everyone who watched and participated. It would not have been nearly as enjoyable had you not all played your part. Thank you.

Man, that release was soooooooooooo good.

And then shortly after:

OH: He has come close to spilling a few times but there were always warnings. This time it just came without warning.

But here is the really awesome part. There is this really cool lady. Her name is Denise Hudson (@RangerDenni). I got to know her through Song Fu and TMA. She told me she was going to write me a song as a reward for Lent. And it is seriously bloody brilliant! And to make it very fitting, she had the amazing and wonderful Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb (@JoeCovenant) be a part of it. Joe was my #1 temptation during Lent. And I even co-wrote part of it! She included a limerick that I wrote about Joe one day during a JoeCast! And she included so many “me” things and inside jokes in it. It really is just brilliant and I can’t stop squee’ing! I am including it for your listening pleasure. I can’t stop smiling!

In Which Jules Rejoins Us With Her Bad Self – Denise Hudson ft Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb and special guest

:

 

“In Which Jules Rejoins Us All With Her Bad Self”
Lyrics BY: Denise Hudson / Julia Sherred / Joe “Covenant” Lamb

(featuring Joe “Covenant” Lamb & special guest)

Happy Easter to Julia Sherred
Who handcuffed herself to the bed
of denial and sacrifice
till April third at midnight
counting the sec’s(!) till the END!

Now Jules made a promise to God
or to Great Aunty Maude
or The Spaghetti Monster or to Bob or whoever you like
the point was she would strike
from her mind all the semblance of bawd

Now Jules is the queen of things geeky
But the boys and the girls they are quite cheeky
tempting lively young Jules
to PM with her rules
and I wondered if she’d go get freaky

Innuendo was filling her eyes
She looked desperately to the skies
Praying Polly’d send rain
to cool off her pain
“That’s What She Said’s” were swarming like flies

[interlude consisting of a blended array of samples from the hysterical Count video that made me pee on myself, that Mystic Cat thing, and a certain song from our pre-teen years that Joe overplays at casts that he thinks gets women in their thirties all misted up… and which I play in a motet like fashion on period instruments fashioned from various VSTs]

What could keep poor Jules afloat?
Could a stirring bridge be a lifeboat?
Because just screaming “LENT”
isn’t paying the rent
and so on an unrelated note …

[Enter Joe]

“Now just because Den is the author of this
And the words have come out of her head
There’s a big control freak
In this Queen of the Geek
So here’s words from Dear Ms. Sherred”

{ENTER LYRICS BY JULIA SHERRED, which Joe feels necessary to change and stuff, because he’s annoying}

There once was a guy named Joe
Whom I think everybody should know
He banged on his bodhran
All the while he sang
And Joecast is the name of his show

REPEAT IN A ROUSING ROUND:

There once was a guy named Joe
Whom I think everyone should know
He banged on his bodhran
All the while he sang
And Joecast is the name of his show

Jules will go into Joecast
And I think we will all have a blast
As she lays down some smack
That’ll give heart attack
Cuz we’ve all seen how long SHE can last ….

The TMA Podcast was WIN!
You could not be derailed by your friends
Not even passiontide
could pull you aside
As you pushed all the way through the end …

So praise be to the Holies on High
And his hotness Sir Optimus Prime!
As you’ve reached the apex
You can talk about sex
In whichever which way you can find

Since I cannot mail you a taco
down the hall to the headmasters we’ll go
Every slip of the tongue
In our orgy of fun
TMA smacks for chat innuendo

So cheers to a successful lent
We imagine you’re feeling quite spent
May the gal from BC
Give an orgasmic squee!!!!!!!!!
You did it! You did it!

….. #andedric

In Which I Become Relieved Yet A Little Bit Apprehensive At The Same Time

April 3rd, 2010

My brain is kinda blown at the moment, again. It is reliving a moment from a few hours ago in which a secret became not so much a secret any longer. I am sitting here thinking so many things at the moment. This is yet another “In which Jules writes out random thoughts in order to help her process information” things. Am I going to say the secret that really isn’t really a secret anymore and is bound to spread sooner or later? No. Sorry but I am just not ready for that at this moment in time. You may understand by the time I am done typing and you may not. Yes, I already said it is another one of those blogs.

Now this secret was going to come out fully eventually when all parties involved thought the time was appropriate. And there have been a few occasions where I have thought, “Oh oh… I think something is going to be said…” and then nothing happens. This has happened repeatedly and then nothing comes of it. Every time there is part of me that sighs with relief and a part of that sighs with disappointment because it isn’t really a secret that I want kept but has to be kept because of silly complications and timing just not being right. Then tonight, without warning it was vomited out in a room full of people. My brain did all kinds of funky things. It sputtered a lot as it was trying to digest the reoccurring thoughts of “is this really happening? OMG! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!? This is not how I expected this to happen. Well this is certainly an interesting turn of events. IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?” Yes, it really happened.

A huge part of me breathed a sigh of relief as now I do not have to go on pretending certain things anymore. Things can be more out in the open. Because it isn’t something that normally would be kept secret. It isn’t anything bad, it is actually the most wonderful thing ever. But there are circumstances that complicate the whole thing. And that is where my apprehension comes in. Especially as it is something very personal and even so I live a lot of my life “out there” so to speak, there are certain things that are sacred and that are meant to be kept between two people. They are not things for people to gossip about. They are not things for people to interfere in. They are not things for others to judge. They are not things for other people to disclose or make fodder of. These are really personal things in my life that I should choose what is said and is not said about them.

And this is where the sighs of apprehension happen because people are going to talk. People are going to make a spectacle out of it even if certain things haven’t really changed. People are going to do things that I think and feel are very invasive. Some may say, “Well that is part and parcel of it Jules. What do you expect?” I expect my privacy and boundaries to respected is what I expect. I expect to be treated with the same courtesy as I give others. Call me naive or stupid but that is what I expect. It isn’t like I do not share a lot of myself. I think it only fair that I want some things to be kept personal. It would be like me wanting to watch you to take a shit. I don’t care who you are or what your job is every one deserves privacy. And as I said, I knew this was going to happen eventually. I just didn’t think it would be so soon. I thought I would have had more time to prepare for the idea and think about how I would deal with certain situations as they arose. But again I am a bit relieved in so far as I won’t feel as if I am living such a lie anymore because it isn’t something that I would keep secret under normal circumstances. However, circumstances are far from normal at the moment.

And yes even so the secret is kinda out, I am not going to completely out it. Why? Because I want to enjoy my privacy for as long as possible and hold off more of the inevitable just a while longer. If people come to me in private and say, “Jules is this going on?” I will not deny it but yeah… I need more time to acclimatize  to the whole situation and deal with it amongst smaller amounts of people before the greater whole find outs. This is MY life after all.