Archive for May 18th, 2010

Things I Don't Do Well With

May 18th, 2010

People I love being ill has to be on the top of my list.

I don’t always have the best way of showing that I am worried. I keep a very brave front. I have to. I am so used to being ill all the time, it has now become a survival mechanism. No point showing concern and worrying yourself until you have reason to, right? Worry and stress can just exacerbate the situation. I am great dealing with it until the moment of answers. And regardless if it is good or bad, I melt down.

I don’t even know why I am writing this because this falls into the uber personal category for me as it involved another party. But as I have no one to talk to at this moment (now that I think about it, I probably do. I just don’t have the mental capacity to do so as I am a complete emotional train wreck and just need a good hug and a good cry. The good hug is what I am lacking at the moment), if I don’t purge some of my current emotional roller coaster, I feel as if I am going to die. Do you ever get that feeling? That tight knot in the pit of your stomach, twisting and turning with such force it is like a sinewy ball of worry. And then it explodes and ruptures, and then starts to pulsate with such a force you want to vomit?

That is where I am at. After spending 13 hours trying to be brave,  13 hours of radio silence and not knowing what is going on, 13 hours of “stuff”, I finally got news and now it is all uncorked. I can’t help but to think “It is my role to be in the hospital, not his.” At least, that I can deal with. At least I know what to expect with that. I really shouldn’t be making jokes right now but if I don’t find something to laugh at, I am going to completely melt down until he is released from the hospital (hopefully at some point tomorrow).

And even so I can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief and let out some tears right now, I will not be able to fully exhale until he is back home safe and sound. Be prepared for stressed out Jules to be either really quiet or say inappropriate things in an effort to cope  with things I don’t do well with.

It is because of days like today that I have two rules in relationships. 1) Never go to bed angry with the person. 2) Always tell them and remind them you love them no matter what is going on. Because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.