You Would Think I Would Learn Or Something

May 15th, 2010 by Jules Leave a reply »

Maybe the “or something” is the only thing remotely relevant to what is on my mind at this moment. This something has been plaguing me all week. It is frustrating and irritating like nails down a chalkboard while a gnat buzzes your ear.

“I use to be brilliant” has been something my brain has been saying for a few weeks now. I’m sure if you searched my last few blog posts and listened to my Lupus podcast, you’d read and hear me say this. I have come to realize in the last week after the successful completion of my World Lupus Day project, I’m still brilliant. Just in other ways. I may not be able to hike for hours upon hours anymore. I may not be going for long runs anymore. I may not be dancing over 12 hours a week anymore. I may not be shining on stage anymore. I may not be spending hours crafting and painting anymore. I may not be able to recall the huge amount of information stored within my database of a brain with the same ease as I once could. I may not be able to vocalize my thoughts effectively and succinctly as I once did. But I can still create and be productive.

My latest project is proof of this. Hindsight can be a royal bitch at times. I just had the thought that I wish I had taken screenshots of the virtual art gallery before I transformed her from a caterpillar to a butterfly. When  I told people that it would be going through a slight redesign they didn’t understand what was wrong with it. They thought it nice to look at and functional. But I had a vision. I had a strong idea of how I wanted this transformation to happen. The caterpillar phase used the colours from my book. The butterfly phase uses the colours from the World Lupus Day logo but with a stronger background to make all the elements pop. The layout is basically the same. But with a redesign of the colours and adding some elements, the transformation was quite noticeable. Beautiful and gorgeous are some of the words people used to describe the new site.

I don’t know where I’m going with my thoughts at the moment. I do think what I did is quite impressive. Even if you do not take into account that I have been having to spend roughly 12 hours of my day sleeping the past couple of weeks, I did something few would be able to accomplish. Well at least not in the time frame that I had set for myself. Before the site underwent its transformation, it had 3 pages and 10 posts. In less than 24 hours there was an almost complete template redesign, now has 13 pages and 36 posts, 6 videos (4 of which I had to edit including 1 that I created), a dedicated YouTube channel, 12 photo galleries comprising of 73 different photos, 4 songs and a whole bunch of links. I accomplished all of this in less than 24 hours. I even had a couple of hours to spare before my self-imposed deadline. And when I was done, I was beyond exhausted. I still am. I thought I would look forward to a week of rest and nothing added to do. I was wrong.

I have been so bored this week. I am use to having a million projects on the go at once. My brain needs to be kept busy and engaged. I like deadlines. I like having more to-do lists than should be legal. I need to have these things. If I don’t, my brain because listless and it wanders. I have been beyond exhausted. My current flare is kicking my ass in more ways that I can articulate. Despite it, I still have drive and ambition. My passion is still ignited and my need to be productive has not been stamped out. I can still accomplish huge things despite it. My body may not physically be able to do much these days but my brain (even when really fuzzy as it currently is) can still accomplish great things.

This frustrates me in a way. I think what frustrates me is there are so many jobs I can do. There are so many things that can be accomplished over the net. But for whatever reason, it seems potential employers are hesitant of either creating new telecommuting jobs or transforming jobs once thought of office jobs to telecommuting jobs. And there are so many tools that make this transformation so simple and these jobs effective. This past week has reminded me that I can still get a lot of things done and in very little time. And while a lot of people close to me are probably thinking I should be resting and recuperating instead of trying to find myself another big project, afraid that I am going to collapse and my flare get worse (which could very well happen and yes I do need rest), I know what I need.

I NEED to feel productive. I need to feel as if I am accomplishing something ESPECIALLY when I am feeling dim instead of brilliant. I need to have something that reminds me, sure I am not as brilliant in some areas of my life as I once was but I have found new ways to be brilliant. I have found new ways to shine. I found ways to turn things that are a huge disadvantage into an advantage. I have not given up.

Yes, I still need to find balance. Or better yet, I need to learn balance. I tend to overdo it as a result of a variety of things. But honestly, the resulting beyond exhaustion is so worth it. Because I feel good about myself. I do not feel like something that should be thrown out with the trash or shot like a lame thoroughbred because I cannot race like I once could. I think for once I want to be noticed. I try to fly under the radar for some weird reason. I have asked people I have interviewed to not make a big deal out of it so that I could remain unnoticed. I don’t do things so much to get noticed by others but for my own sense of self-accomplishment.

But I think this may be changing. The more I accomplish, the more I see the finished results of the crazy ideas that I keep having , the more I think “Holy shit! That is pretty awesome! Even if you do not take into account my disability, that is pretty awesome!”. And then I look at the world and feel a little slighted that there is so much I can do from the comfort of my home, despite my crazy but necessary sleep/rest cycle, yet I cannot find opportunities to use my very unique and what I consider awesome skill sets. I feel defeated when opportunities are not presented to me. I know you have to work to find things. And even though I don’t get huge recognition, I still get my fair share. Close to 200,000 page views in less than a year on Geeky Pleasures without any real promotion is an indication of this. And when I think that Fark only got 30,000 in their first year and in a time when they had no competition like I do now, I feel accomplished. People keep telling me how much they love what I put out there and there is a part of me that cannot help but to think “then why isn’t it paying off in some real way?”

I really do not know where I am going with this, either with my current thoughts that I am spewing out as I think them or with anything that I am currently working on or want to work on. Maybe that is part of the problem. As I’ve said, I’m bored. Even so I am still producing things on a daily basis, I am feeling unproductive. I need something that I am not getting at the moment. I need something that will really engage my brain. I need something where I feel creative. Maybe something will present itself, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll find an opportunity, maybe I won’t. I do know that something needs to happen soon before I start once again feeling dim instead of the brilliant that I am.


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