I remember a time this space would be updated at least 5 times a week. Now it is lucky to be updated 5 times a month. Things just feel very odd lately. I have a lot of things I could say but I do not know if it matters if I say them or not. And by that I mean, I don’t know if it matters to me if I say them. Whether it matters to others really isn’t my concern.
I have been totally neglecting my personal blog lately. There are various reasons for this. 1) I have been so busy keeping Geeky Pleasures updated, by the time that is done I really am not in the most communicative of moods. 2) I’m in this weird place at the moment. I’ve been in this weird place for quite some time and my brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around these events. 3) Lately, I seem to be at a loss for words, A LOT. And even so it has been a nice slow week for Geeky Pleasures and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, I just can’t get my thoughts to translate into words that would make any type of sense.
I think part of this has to do with having a huge amount of moments of squee. There have been a lot of moments of WTF as well. The events of my life seems very bipolar at times. It seems that every time something really big happens, something equally really shitty coincides with those events. And you cannot really talk about the moments of squee (or at least I feel that I cannot) because a) I think that people may think I am bragging or putting on airs or something, and b) some of it involves talking out of school (even so it is not “bad” gossip but I see all gossip as bad) or talking about things I am not really at liberty to discuss. And well, the moments of WTF, nobody wants a downer.
But this past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster. It has put me in a spot, mentally and emotionally, that causes me to feel both happy and uncomfortable at the same time. I find it quite strange. I am unable to decide exactly how I feel about what has gone on. It is nothing negative, but I do find it a bit unsettling. Only because I have a hard time with “I don’t know.”
I did something this past week, that for me, was a bit of a triumph. And not for reasons many other people might see it for. For me it was a triumph because I overcame another fear. And the weird thing about it, is I’m the one that is getting the thank yous. I find this so very odd! All I did was help someone get a message out. All I did was agree to an interview. All I did was allow someone to talk. Sure I did some of the talking as well, but it was in relation to this other thing. If you haven’t figured out what I am talking about yet, I am talking about my interview with Patrizia Hernandez and my review of Love Simple.
The amount of feedback and the things said to me in private about this whole thing has left me speechless. I do not know if I should go into too many details because I do not want people to take it the wrong way. It feels weird to be told that it is an honour that someone got to work with me. It feels weird to be told that I’ve inspired. It feels weird to be told how I touched someone deeply. It feels weird when I am shown genuine appreciation. I think maybe that is what it boils down to. Is that I have genuinely inspired and touched people and that I was genuinely appreciated. This does not happen often. And an even bigger bonus, I made new friends in the process.
And despite the fact it being one of my goals in life (to inspire and to be an example when it comes to dealing with certain things), I never imagined it would happen to the degree it appears to have. I thought I would be lucky to accomplish this with one person. However, thankfully due to technology, my reach appears to be broader. And even so the internet allows my voice to be heard by a potentially unlimited audience, I never expected nor was I prepared for the reach it appears to have. I am humbled and in awe. And as selfish as this may sound, it lets me know that the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis is not in vain. That I have been able to do something positive with it. Even so I do these things altruistically, it does help me get through the really bad days.
But here is the thing. I feel “guilty” (for lack of a better word) accepting the thanks I have been given. At least with this latest bit of overwhelming events. Because if it were not for Mark von Sternberg creating this movie, if it were not for LupusNY reaching out to me and asking if I would do this interview, if they had not thought about me, well then I would have had no voice to use. I am so greatly touched that I was the one asked to do this. I am sure there are many other people who could have done this, but they asked me. Why, I doubt I’ll ever know. I am not going to even ask. I am just thankful they did.
I am so very thankful to every one behind the making of Love Simple, John Casey at Magic Star Enterprises and LupusNY for all they are doing to raise money and awareness for Lupus. They are the ones that deserve the praise I have been receiving. And hopefully they are getting it. But all I’m seeing lately is comments directed towards me. They are the ones that have done the good deed. I’m just the messenger.
I do not know if this makes any sense to anyone. Any time I try to explain this in more detail to those close to me, they don’t quite get it. Which is not their fault. I think it is one of those things that you have to experience to understand. Or at least have my strange way of looking at the world.
And despite how weird this all feels and my opposing feelings towards it, I do hope I get more opportunities like this. It does feel good to know you have done some for “real good”. It is nice when you are allowed to be a part of something that will benefit so many people. Again, I am humbled and touched that I was asked to be a part of it. This experience has been amazing regardless some of the comfortableness surrounding it, and I am glad.
