Archive for December, 2010

Taking Stock

December 31st, 2010

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Despite being busier than I have in a very long time, I find my mind drifting off, as I mechanically go through the necessary tasks of each day.

Writing this blog is a bit premature, as it will lack a little bit of background. This background (for those who are unfamiliar) will be in my article for the January edition of The Lupus Magazine. I will say this has been yet another year in my life where I have had to reinvent myself (some of the other times are described in January’s article). I’ve had to take sizable setbacks and disadvantages and try my best to turn them into something positive.

When 2010 started, I had no idea what I was going to do with my future. I had just finished what I thought would be my last broadcast. I had tried my best to remain optimistic, that another radio opportunity was just around the corner. But as the months passed, nothing was on the horizon. I had lost every luxury (cable, internet connection and telephone). If it were not for my landlady, I would not have been online at all passed March. If it were not for a couple of donations on Geeky Pleasures, that website and this blog would have gone dead in March, as I could no longer afford even the 10 dollars a month for hosting.

Then slowly, things started to improve. Extremely slowly. Painfully so. And not only did I spend 2010 fighting off financial ruin, but I spent almost the entire year experiencing one of the worst Lupus flares I have had in years. I was extremely worried that more organ failure, or worse, another stroke was just around the corner. I think I did a very good job hiding that fear, even so I did allow the stabby to be public now and then.

In July, every thing was in threat of going dark, yet again, including my newest project The Lupus Awareness Virtual Art Gallery, launched World Lupus Day 2010. But thanks to Will Bradley and a fabulous offer to sponsor my hosting, every thing stayed online and I was able to keep fighting and attempt to build a new life and career for myself, all the while fighting off what felt like death waiting just around the corner.

By the end of the year, my health FINALLY started to improve, plus opportunities were finally starting to present themselves. Now I end this year running my three websites, contributing to two others, writing for a magazine, being the layout and design editor of another, plus building a brand new radio station with a more than amazing staff. I’m far from in a stable financial situation again as most of this is a labour of love. But I am much better off, physically and emotionally, than I was at the beginning of this year. It will take a few more events before I’m finally able to breathe again, as far as finances are concerned (regular paying sponsors/advertisers for Geeky Pleasures would be more than fantabulous) but I am not starting 2011 with dread and not knowing how I’ll manage to feed and clothe my children, never mind put a roof over their heads.

Most importantly, I have made some amazing friendships this year, thanks to this wonderful thing called the internet. Plus, I’m in a pretty groovy relationship, which brings me a lot of inner calm and helps me to find my center when I’m having moments of OCD/ Aspie Spiraling /Twitchy Brain/ Toaster/ FUCK THIS SHIT! Without all of you, rebuilding my life, yet again, would have been extremely difficult. The last few times I went through periods like this, I had no supports, neither physical nor emotional, and it nearly broke me both mentally and emotionally. I still may not have the physical supports I need to get through the nasty lupus periods, but all of your emotional support has meant the Universe to me.

Thanks for travelling from the mundane to the insane with me. Thanks for deciding to join me in another year of this wonderful journey, without a destination.

<3 <3 <3

xoxo

A Trip Down Memory Lane

December 10th, 2010

I told myself two hours ago that I was going to turn off my brain and stop working. My brain had other ideas. I had also told myself that this week I would blog about something not radio station related. (By the way, if you haven’t heard the news yet, the station’s website is now live and we’re hiring.) However, my brain can be a real brat at times. To get it to shut up, I decided to listen to music and start formulated Auto-DJ playlists.

I opened up my music player, put it on shuffle and began the process of created playlists and thinking more about the format of my shows. Third song in, this began to play (if you are viewing this in an RSS reader, you may need to visit the site to listen):

:

A little bit of back story. Right before my final Geeky Pleasures’ broadcast, Antonio emailed me this audio file and asked me to play it during my show. I had no time to listen to it prior. Let’s just say, I broke down in tears, live on camera for my audience to see. It has almost been one year  (December 18, 2009) since my final broadcast and the curtain came to a close. Interesting thing, Antonio was one of the first people I hired for The Force 925. I had completely forgotten about his comment about us being together again. I think the timing of it all is pretty neat. It may have taken a year to rebuild my dream but it is done.

I really needed to hear this tonight. My week has been hell; from learning that someone took our original domain name (as well as other just really malicious acts), to being a week behind schedule, to too many things that I care to mention because I’m sure to break down into tears of frustration once again. For the most part, this job is awesome. However, there are certain really not awesome parts of it that tend to hugely overshadow the positives.  The above really helped remind me of why it is that I do what I do.

I may not always like people.  Not because I don’t actually like people, I care for people very deeply. I just don’t “get” them, even if I can logically dissect how they’ve reached certain states of mind and emotion. They may baffle me beyond comprehension as I find their reactions to some things bizarre. More often than not, I may feel quiet alien and as if I don’t belong among the normals. And as I do come to emotion from a very different spot than most people, this makes remaining not frustrated and being comfortable around people difficult. However, aside from the creative gratification I get from doing this job, there is the gratification of making some form of weird difference and helping people.

Somehow, I manage to create a family atmosphere among my staff members. I end up being the mix of mother, friend, camp counsellor, staff psychologist, mediator, shoulder to cry on, plus more, in addition to wearing the boss lady hat. And like all families, there are fights, squabbles, moments of wanting to smack each other and tell each other off. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t care for each other and don’t want the best for each other. Stumbling upon this audio file reminded me of that.

It reminded me, that despite some people not wanting me to succeed, what I do matters. And now, instead of crying tears of frustration, I’m shedding tears of happy remembrance, tears as a result of struggling for a very long year, tears of relief, some tears of grief over things left behind and tears of “Thank Bob!”

Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me.

Hurry Up and Wait

December 4th, 2010

That is the game I’m currently playing. I suck at this game. It leaves me with too much time to think. And I’m an over-thinker. I’ll think about something from every direction and then some. It can pose a real problem, especially when I’ve had the 24 hours that I’ve had, leaving me very angry and out for blood.

It is rare that I get this angry. I think livid would be an understatement. I can’t even think of a proper word to describe it. Furious, angry, livid, raging with a dash of disdain and disgust for good measure, multiplied by infinity. As a general rule, when angry, all that is needed is a good vent and rage session, another set of eyes to put new perspective on the situation if I’m missing it because I’m blinded by the rage and I’m over it. This is not one of those situations. I really am uncomfortable over my current state. I’m wanting to destroy someone’s life for even attempting to destroy mine, even if what they did was quite minuscule in the grand scheme of things.  I can be the best friend anybody could ask for. But this also means, I can be your worse enemy. Heaven help you if you do something so vile and contemptuous that I have difficulty letting go of the event. The longer I am left to sit and think about it, letting the ugly ball of rage built up inside of me, the greater the pain will be when I finally unleash it upon them.

Last night I had my vent session. It was really helpful and great. It managed to bring my blinding rage into coherent thoughts. A good spin on the situation was presented. It brought me down from wanting to destroy the universe to JULES SMASH level. Some of you are familiar with JULES SMASH. It isn’t pretty. Let’s hope you don’t ever see the higher levels. And then I read an article which really touched me and put something in my eye. Normally, these two events would have complete soothed this savage beast. I found myself saying, “Well, this is just another typical bipolar event day in the Life of Jules. A day where I have people do really shitty things at my expense but then someone else does something really awesome to restore my faith in people.” Problem: I’m still angry.

Now I’m in “resolve crisis” mode. The crisis will be completely resolved by Monday. Or at least that is the plan. But there shouldn’t be a crisis to begin with. The event that has me spiraling out of control with the most seething rage and disgust was beyond malicious. People do really crappy things to people on a daily basis. I’m not the type that gets easily discourage because I’m more than well aware of how people can be. I grew up in the horror of all horrors. There isn’t much that will shock me, even if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And even so I don’t think I can say I am shocked over this action, I am very dismayed. I think it terrible, cruel and I would never even think of doing such a thing.

I want to seek out and destroy. It is taking all of my morals to not just call out the person for their actions. It is taking all of my strength to not publicly throw the first stone and take away everything they’ve tried so hard to work at. It is taking everything within me to not cause even more drama over this situation than I am now by writing this blog. It doesn’t help that I have people encouraging me to take the actions that I am so desperately trying to avoid. However, if someone were to ask me a direct question about the situation, let it be known, I am done biting my tongue. I am no longer going to go the route of “it just didn’t work out”.

The really shitty thing about this whole situation is I KNEW it was about to happen. But when I got that gut feeling (that has never been wrong) telling me what was up, I told myself, “You’re just being paranoid. Sure certain people are not going to be happy about your new ventures but there is no reason why you cannot peacefully coexist and each do your own thing. Because if they were to try anything, it would put egg in their face. They aren’t that stupid. Stop being so paranoid. You’re reading too much into it and over-thinking.” I think I mean it this time when I tell my gut, “Gut, I’m finally going to stop ignoring you. If you tell me something hinky is going on, I’ll take preemptive measures, no matter how foolish it may make me look.”

The gloves are off. The game is on. And unless this hurry up and wait game ends quickly so that I can finish resolving this crisis, my anger will continue to grow until the only thing I will settle for is death. Well not physical death, just death of their dream.

Eek, I’m really ugly right now but this is an ugly situation. Maybe by writing this, it will help me get over more of the anger and no longer want death. But I am no longer going to be diplomatic about certain Party’s. I was really wanting for everyone to just get along as best as possible, ignoring the existence of the other and just doing our own thing. But I guess someone else had other plans, which is rather unfortunate.

Yes the hurry up and wait game needs to end. I need to immerse myself in work and being productive before my brain implodes with this terrible circular thinking.