Warning: May Be Prone To Irrational Outbursts of Tristesse and Tears

February 12th, 2011 by Jules Leave a reply »

Typically, during the upcoming week, I have random bought of tears and just wanting to tell the world to bugger off.

This year, it began a week earlier than normal and much more frequently than normal.

On the 14th of February is the anniversary of my grandma’s death. I’ll have more to say about that on that day. On the 17th of February, is the anniversary of when I had my hysterectomy.

I have been trying to figure out why this year has been much more difficult for me to deal with. After all, as of this year, my grandma has been gone for more years than I had her in my life. But I am having a more difficult time this year recalling the things that once gave me comfort when I thought about her, such as the sound of her voice and her smell. I feel as if her memory is going to be lost forever. And for some odd reason, it is really bothering me. Maybe by Monday, I’ll be able to talk about this more. Right now, I end up in uncontrollable tears every time I try and remember those sensory memories, only to find they have decayed to an almost non-existent level. If you are new these parts, you may not understand why, when growing up, she was the most important person in my life.

And as for the hysterectomy, well that is just a suckass thing to have to go through when one is 29 and the doctors are FINALLY starting to put your lupus diagnosis together, after over a decade of various diagnoses.

I hate making excuses for not good behaviour. But I just want to let as many people know at once, that I am far from myself and that this year, the emotional baggage and wounds have been ripped open earlier than usual. All that I ask is that you are patient with me and if I appear antisocial, it is because I’m going through some stuff that I hope, this year, I can finally deal with once and for all, getting some form of closure on these events.

I should probably talk about these things (with an actual voice instead of type) but it is difficult to talk when you are crying. At least for me it is. There are very few people (read 1 or 2) who I feel comfortable crying in front of and around. I’m more of the “cry in private” type.

Hopefully with more quiet contemplation, I’ll be able to purge things once and for all.

All this being said, I find it quite fascinating the things that haunt us as humans. I’ve gone through a lot of crap in my life and have always bounced back from it with grace and ease. I’ve had many people die. I’ve had lupus do some pretty fucked up things to my body. And yet, I have yet to recover from these two events. It would be wonderful if I could figure out the cause so that I can finally deal with it.

If I seem off, it is because I am. I’m not asking that you understand, especially as I do not understand it myself. However, patience would be awesometastic.

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2 comments

  1. Thanks for another great posting Jules; I know that most people find it easier to cry and confide in those people with whom they have a therapeutic relationship rather than a close family or friendship tie. Anniversaries are always the hardest and I’ll be thinking of you even more than usual this week xxx

    • Jules says:

      Thanks, Ian.

      I am so different when it comes to crying, even if it is a therapeutic relationship. I find it even more difficult then for a million and one reasons. I do have one person that I can let down all of my walls and bring completely in. So, that is something. However, regardless of it being “safe” to do so, there is always a small part of me that tells me to stop being so irrational. I have a really hard time with processing strong emotions when I cannot point out a trigger and find cause and effect. It is very rare that I come to any form of emotion until I’ve had time to sit and think about a situation and then I’ll apply some form of label. I get really disturbed when emotions just hit me out of the blue.

      I’m an odd one, I know.