Today, I’m sad. And it may not be for the same reasons that a lot of people are sad today. As I’ve been looking at the world today, through my weird eyes and processing it in my bizarre brain, I’ve been trying to figure out if I should write about what is troubling me or just stuff it inside of that place things go when I’m looking at the events of the world and human interactions which result in me becoming rather dismayed and disheartened.
In the last 24 hours, the world went to shit. People lost their lives at the hands of an act of terrorism. And if I hear one more person say it wasn’t terrorism… my reaction will not be pretty. Also, a single person lost her life as the result of an unhealthy lifestyle, due to having a tortured soul. Both of these situations have me in a state of grief. Each of these lives were unique and precious. Many people lost their children and family members.
For me, it isn’t so much they are dead. We all die. What has me grieving is looking at it from the eyes of a parent. One day, your child is alive. The next day, through very tragic circumstances, they are gone. Regardless of how you want to look at what brought on these situations, regardless if you want to attribute them to terrorism or a random act of violence or unhealthy lifestyle, many families are grieving for the sudden loss of a loved one. My heart goes out to them. If it were my child, I would go mental. That is if I survived the want to be dead myself.
Also, in some weird way, I feel a bit of survivor’s guilt. Just when you thought I couldn’t be more bent, I’m about to show another level of my particular brand of peculiarity.
These last week, I’ve been such an entitled fuck. I’ve been complaining and moaning about dying microphones; trolls coming into chat during my show; websites not functioning as they should; programs crashing while working on important, past due work, setting me back six hours in work; being way too busy and having no ‘me’ time; having a never-ending mountain of things that must be done; and my lupus still being a major pain in my arse. I’ve been waking up extremely irritable and cursing life and just wanting every thing and every one to go away because they are taking way too many of my resources and I have nothing left for myself. This is where the survivor’s guilt comes in.
In some ways, I am entitled to piss and moan about such things. Because part of the reality of my life is that if I do become to buried in stress and stuff to do, it could very well make my lupus worse, which could result with me being back in hospital… or worse. But there is another reality, I’M FUCKING ALIVE! Part of my life may be tortured. Part of it may not go the way I want it to. But I’m alive and doing some pretty awesome shit. And the awesome crap, the stuff with the biggest rewards, never comes easy. If it came easy, I’d probably not appreciate it.
So, this morning I woke up, grumpy and irritable, after working until 2 am in the morning because I had to fight with technology so that all my stuff would work. And then I read the terrible news about Olso and Amy Winehouse, and thought to myself, “Man, I thought I had problems. Thank bob, I’m still alive to piss and moan. My heart goes out to all the families who are currently grieving.”
No sooner did I begin making my mental checklist of all the things I should be thankful for, the whole finding the silver lining in the stupid little shit I am currently having to deal with, no sooner was I starting to feel better about my current circumstances and the survivor’s guilt was dissipating, that is when the things started which caused me to be sad.
I saw people on Twitter fighting over what is more important: The deaths in Olso or a the death of celebrity, one who some say deserved to die. Aside from some trying to make light of Amy’s death or worse, tying to completely negate how tragic it is, I saw people trying to spin the whole Oslo thing into something less tragic and trying to downplay it. People are bloody dead! Suddenly! Gone out of their families lives, forever! And there people are, living and breathing with the ability to continue doing and living and telling their loved ones, “I love you”, fighting with each other over which deaths should be talked about and are more important.
People suck. As I said on Twitter, you’re making me sad today. I don’t understand why people can’t grieve both the atrocities in Oslo and Amy Winehouse. The loss of a life, whether it is 1 tortured soul or 92 people, is a sad affair. Each life was equally precious. Just my two cents.
Now, I’m going to go grieve for those families who suddenly lost their loved one. Because I’m sad, you may find me making some very inappropriate comments and jokes, because that is how I deal. Finding humour in the most horrible of things keeps me somewhat sane. Others will be grieving through anger. Others will be grieving in silence. But I think it is safe to say, many people are grieving today. Who is anyone to judge what is more important to feel sadness over? Maybe, just maybe, you need to take your head out of your arse and ask yourself how you’d like to be treated if you were sad about something. Do you want people to shit on your grief or do you want them to make an attempt to be empathetic? Just something to think about.
While the world decides to be petty and fight over who’s death is more important, I’m going to be thankful that I woke up this morning and am still breathing. I’m going to be thankful that I still have the opportunity to piss and moan over stupid, inconsequential shit. I’m going to be thankful that I can still hug my boys and tell them that I love them.
I’m also going to be grieving for all the parents who no longer have that opportunity.