This poor space of not much happening. The tumbleweeds and cobwebs have been finding their home in this once frequently updated spot. I wish I could fully explain what has been happening. But once the crazy hectic that is my day is over and it time for quiet reflection, communicating with others is the last thing on my mind.
My friends have suffered. My personal blog has been sorely neglected. Once upon a time, I had told myself that I would update this spot at least three times a week. Even if it were just a paragraph or two. But I am the type that does not believe in stories that begin with “once upon a time.” They are filled with grand dreams and desires but contain little reality.
My life continues to take twists and turns that were never envisioned and I find myself sorely unprepared. The last three months have been overflowing with high highs and low lows. I realize I find myself thinking and sharing this often. And no sooner do I think, “things can’t get any more insane and peculiar”, life decides to show me different.
And because I am a person of privacy, a person who keeps the really good things and really bad things close to my chest, because I’m the type who withdrawals frequently to a Fortress of Solitude which later became my Batcave, during these moments, the rest of the world outside of my teeny tiny circle becomes invisible. For me it is a necessity. And if something threatens the inner then the outer starts to collapse. I am the type who needs to feel secure within my nucleus world before I can feel secure in my interactions with the outside forces. And at times, I am feeling as if my core is beginning to fracture. So my energy has been focused on making sure that I remain whole.
It really isn’t all doom and gloom. There have been way more moments of awesome than not. And the not isn’t what I would consider terrible, it just needs a little more support and care. I’ve been needing to focus my energies on the things that fall under the category of “makes a real difference in my life at the end of the day” and allowing the “it is pretty window dressing, neat and cool but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, it doesn’t really change anything” to be ignored.
At times though, I feel as if I am not being perfectly honest with people. And I’m not quite sure what to do there, especially as I’m known for being unfailingly honest and blunt. People ask me how I’m doing and they get the default answer of, “I’m good.” Which isn’t a total lie. Overall, I really am quite swell. Sure my Lupus has been a real pain lately. I’m the worse I have been in years. I’m not as bad as I once was but I haven’t been this beat up in a couple of years. So “I’m good” is a completely valid answer to an extent, as it could be and has been much worse. However, I guess this is my own “Lupus Lie“. I’ve never fully shared the extent of my Lupus until just very recently. And only 1 person has heard the full, unedited truth of the situation.
People ask how the boys are doing. Again, the answer is, “They’re good.” And they are. But they are each going through different things right now. My heart breaks for them. But they fall under the sacred category so only 1 person will hear the entire truth on that situation as well. I had a conversation with Kid2 the other night that nearly devastated me. I suppose I haven’t been doing as fantabulous job as normal masking the pain that I am in lately.
As we were curled up watching a movie together, out of the blue he asked, “Mom… why isn’t there more focus on Lupus fundraising? Why do people care more about Cancer than they do Lupus? Do they not understand Lupus can kill you too? I don’t understand why nobody cares…” And then he went into his quiet place. I considered him for a moment and tried to mask the tears in my eyes and voice, and responded, “I think maybe it is because more people get Cancer than Lupus. Cancer is easier to understand, treat and diagnose than Lupus.” He came back with, “More reason to research Lupus instead of Cancer. They have the answers for Cancer. They don’t for Lupus. I don’t want you to die.” What do you say when your 11 year old says that to you? How do you respond to such adult questions coming from such a young child? How do you cope with something that no child should ever have to think about? I did the only thing I could think of. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the head and told him that I loved him and he is never to forget that.
And then there is my relationship. Despite the fodder, it is doing just fine. We may each be going through different things at the moment and individually may not be doing so brilliantly but we are fine. I suppose people ask because they are concerned. However, my gut reaction is to respond with either “None of your fucking business” or “We are doing horribly. Does that make you happy?” As with my children, this is sacred. So the really important things do not get discussed in public. If I wanted people to know, I’d tell them. But only after clearing what is okay and not okay to talk about with the other person in this relationship. Because after all, we are the ones that are in it. Not the observers who whisper and gossip in dark corners and then fish for information. So again, they get the “We’re okay” because we are even if individually, it isn’t the entire truth. But the whole truth is nobody’s business but our own.
It feels weird even sharing this much. But I am tired. I am feeling like a dartboard caught in the middle of all these different spheres that I use to keep quite separate from each other. Somehow they have managed to meld and collide. My friend life has mixed with my relationship life. My family life has mixed with my friend life. My relationship life has mixed with my family life. What use to be quite distinct worlds that never shall meet have mixed and mingled. What use to be clear and defined boundaries have become a blur, leaving me to build new lines in an effort to keep the core whole and secure.
At the end of the day when I’ve had time to reflect, after being bombarded by “how are things?” emails and messages and feeling like every body is being nosy and not respected my boundaries, I can conclude that they do it because they care. They may not show it in a way that I am comfortable with and instead show it in a way I find quite intrusive but for the most part I can conclude they care. The problem is (and most would not agree this is a problem), too many people care. And I’m not always sure that they care for the right reasons. My energy is finite at the moment. It only has enough real focus for my inner most relationships: my children, my relationship and myself. Everything else is just window dressing. So instead of answering a million questions about how life is, I blog. Then I just have to say it once and if they honestly wanted to know, if they honestly cared, they will read it and understand.
I also have so much awesome going on right now. Like a lot! And I can’t share that either. SETEC ASTRONOMY (too many secrets). When the time is right, people will know. As I’ve written, things are mostly really good. I have a lot of pretty amazing things going on right now. I’ve been presented with some really cool opportunities as of late. These opportunities may not be paying off monetarily (which seems to be important for a few people in my life) but… well I think people will understand why that does not matter once I am able to share.
I’m blessed. I have solid relationships and a beautiful family. But my core is a little rattled at the moment, leaving my soul hectic and feeling frenzied. In time, I will reach a new state of equilibrium. I just ask that people are patient. I ask that people allow me to come out of this on my own time. The more I feel pushed and pressured into being sociable and “happy Jules”, the more I retreat because I don’t feel as if my needs are being respected. I feel as if people only care about their need for a happy Jules and not my need for space.
Honestly, I am good. I am just in my cave at the moment, taking care of the things that are truly important. When I am ready, when I am done reflecting on my hectic soul, I will emerge once more. I always do. And honest to bob, I think you will all squee with me when I can share the really awesome that is going on at the moment. I just thought I owed it to every one (mostly myself because I needed to get a few things off of my chest and erect some lines) to update this space and disperse with some of the cobwebs.