Archive for the ‘family’ category

Things Associated With Grandma

February 14th, 2010

When I was in school, we use to have two exercises called U.S.S.R (Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading) and U.S.S.W (Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Writing). During U.S.S.W we were given a subject to write about. U.S.S.W was broken into two parts. The first part we just wrote down all the single words that popped into our head regarding the subject. The rule was the pencil was to not leave the paper, just write anything and everything even if it made no sense. The second part was using those words in the story. Again, you just wrote without even thinking, trying to use as many of those words as possible. And again, the pencil was not to leave the paper. Later on you would go back and make the story into more while thinking about it.

Today, as I do every February 14, my grandma has been heavily on my mind. I have not been able to stop thinking about her. But instead of the normal thoughts about her, my brain has been doing its own U.S.S.W sending me flashes of single words and images, and single ideas of things associated with grandma. Instead of writing my normal letter to grandma, I think I am just going to spend a few minutes just purging those images. Perhaps that is the best way I can honour her this year.

  1. Rock candy
  2. Cross-stiching
  3. Hot Apple Juice
  4. Afternoon tea
  5. Toast with marmalade
  6. Rice Crispies with bananas
  7. Falsies
  8. Slacks
  9. Adjustable bed
  10. Dentures
  11. Plastic Canvas
  12. Library
  13. Osoyoos
  14. Crafting
  15. Blouse
  16. Popbang
  17. Church
  18. Shakespeare
  19. Neil Diamond
  20. Englebert Humperdink
  21. Nana Mouskouri
  22. Julio Iglesias
  23. Oxygen
  24. Respirator
  25. Soft hands
  26. Crafting
  27. Reading
  28. Sewing
  29. Listerine
  30. Rose Soap
  31. Arizona
  32. Oroville, Washington
  33. Black Widow
  34. Rattle Snakes
  35. Tarantula
  36. Road Runner
  37. Coyote
  38. Oranges
  39. Cherry Tomatoes
  40. Cherries
  41. Apples
  42. Peaches
  43. Apricots
  44. Plums
  45. Orchards
  46. Lake
  47. Swimming
  48. Turtles
  49. Sunburn
  50. Knitting
  51. Crocheting
  52. Rice Crispy Treats
  53. Chocolate
  54. Love
  55. Compassion
  56. Goodwill
  57. Integrity
  58. Altruism
  59. Philanthropy
  60. Charity
  61. Kindness
  62. Polident
  63. Vacations
  64. Chronic Illness
  65. Berry candies
  66. Macintosh toffee
  67. Art
  68. Emily Carr
  69. Erma Bombeck
  70. Farley Mowat
  71. Pierre Berton
  72. The Wizard of Oz
  73. Winnie The Pooh
  74. Alice In Wonderland
  75. Peter Pan
  76. C.S. Lewis
  77. A.A. Milne
  78. Lucy Maud Montgomery
  79. Little House On The Prairie
  80. Highway To Heaven
  81. L. Frank Baum
  82. Judy Blume
  83. The Sound Of Music
  84. The Cat In The Hat
  85. Dr. Seuss
  86. Hans Christian Anderson
  87. The Brothers Grimm
  88. Doilies
  89. Art Deco
  90. Maple

If my grandma were still alive, she would be 90. So I think here is a good place to stop.

You'd Think After 17 Years I Could Say Goodbye

February 13th, 2010

In a few hours it will be the 17th anniversary of the saddest day of my life. On February 14, 1993, when I was 17, my grandma passed away. You would think after all these years, this day would be easier for me. It is not. Normally the tears begin when I wake up on Valentine’s Day, but this year they have started early.

Every year, I write a letter to my grandma in hopes that it will enable me to finally say goodbye. Every year I try and do something in order to honour her memory, praying that I can finally let go of all the pain surrounding this horrendous day. And every year, it fails miserably.

I don’t know why I can’t say goodbye. Maybe it is because I was the only family member who was not allowed to see her for the final year of her life. I was in foster care and while my mother still allowed my sister to visit grandma whenever she wanted to, my mom was telling everyone I was dead and I was not welcomed. The last time I had seen my grandma was when I tried to come home on my 16th birthday and my mom wouldn’t even let me past the front door. I was the only family member not present at the time of her death. My sister was lucky enough to be sleeping with her when she died (even so she would have nightmares about it for years). I however, received a very cold phone call hours after her death as I was about to leave for my morning wardrobe and make-up call. It was the opening weekend of a musical I was in (South Pacific) and if it were not for finding out that the last things grandma said before she went into her final coma was how proud she was of me for my dancing and acting, and a wonderful and supportive cast and crew, I don’t think I would have made it through the day.

Maybe because it is 17 years later and my grandma is still not buried. I have no where physical that I can visit her. My mother still carries her ashes around and for a million reasons I am not going to get into, I have no where to visit my grandma besides in my mind. My brain tells me that should be enough but my heart aches over this.

Maybe it is because I have nothing tangible of my grandma’s that I can look at or hold on to on the days that I really miss her (which is often). There were a lot of things that were written into her Will that I was to receive and because my mom was the Executor, I received none of it. Again my brain tells me these things do not matter as my grandma left me with such a wonderful legacy but then why am I sitting here in tears unable to breathe? Why am I unable to find closure?

My grandma was the most amazing woman anyone could have ever met. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for her. She made sure that I always knew I was important and that I was a good person regardless of what my mother would say. She made sure that I knew I was loved. She made sure to take time for me to teach me things I would never know despite her being chronically ill and hooked up to oxygen for all of my life. She made sure to let me know she was proud of my accomplishments and was the only person who allowed me to be flawed. She taught me invaluable lessons about how to live with chronic illness. Lessons that had I not learned, I think my Lupus would have destroyed me years ago because I wouldn’t know how to fight it, find the positives in it and how to try and be a model for others.

I really wish I had had the chance to say goodbye to her in person. I really wish I could hear her voice one more time. I really wish I could find a way to be okay with all the hurt surrounding her death. They say time heals all wounds but I think there are some wounds that never heal, you just get better at concealing them. I just want the pain to end. What I wouldn’t do to just have 5 more minutes with her so that I could thank for all that she did and tell her one final time that I love her. That is all I wanted to do before she died, was to let her know how much she was appreciated (because everyone else would just take from her) and to let her know how much I loved her. And I couldn’t. And that kills me. I feel that I have been robbed from something and I don’t know how to make the hurting stop. I wish…

You’d think after 17 years I could say goodbye…

Superhero

February 9th, 2010

I have seriously awesome children.  If you have ready any of my blog posts about my children, you may have a small idea of just how fantabulous they are. Today Kid2 reached a new level of beyond wonderful.

Upon return from school today, he burst through the door declaring, “I was 40 minutes late for school today but I have a really good reason mom!” I thought to myself “it better be a damn good reason considering you left for school 10 minutes earlier than normal” but I shoved that thought deep inside and asked, “why were you late?”

That is when he proceeded to tell me one of the most horrendous stories I have ever heard. His friend and he were walking to school when they saw a cat crossing the road. A volkswagon was driving up the road. When it got to the cat, instead of slowing down the car sped up and purposely ran over the cat. (Later on his friend would describe the event in more detail. Telling me that when the car ran over the cat, it made the most disgusting and loud thud he had ever heard.) After running over the cat in front of my son and his friend it sped off. Kid2 said he had tried to see a license plate number but didn’t get it in time.

So his friend and he went to get the cat. They picked it up, wrapped it up in one of their coats and proceeded to knock on all the doors in the area trying to find the owner. None of the people they talked to said the cat was theirs. At last they knocked on a door that said even so the cat was not his, he was going to take the cat to the vet for treatment. Later on, that man showed up to kid2’s school to let him know that if it were not for him and his friend, the cat would have died. However, thanks to their actions the cat is being treated for its injuries and should live.

This is one of the proudest moments I have had as a parent. My children continue to grow up into fine young gentlemen and making tough decisions that may cause them to get into trouble but are the right thing to do regardless. Kid2 reached a whole new level of superhero today.

And Then They Are Men

January 31st, 2010

I have been experiencing growing pains as of late, the pains of watching my boys grow into men.

Yesterday was another day of many “OMG when did they grow up on me?!?” moments. The first one occurred when Kid2 and I were walking to the store. He was busy talking about something and I was busy taking many mental snapshots of his facial expressions, body movements, freckles, counting the ringlets in his hair when I realized just how tall he has gotten in the last few months. It was at that moment that I realized, “Wow. In just over 1 year I will never have to worry about getting a babysitter again should I need one if I decide to go out for an evening. I will never have to check with Kid1 what his plans are again should I want to spend a few hours away.” I shared this revelation with Kid2 and he was excited. He has been counting down the days to when he can do more adult things. I however, have not.

The other week, Kid1 realized that he is almost 15. He said to me, “Where did the time go? I can’t believe I am almost 15 and Kid2 is almost 11! It seems just like yesterday you brought Kid2 home from the hospital and a few days later I was asking you to put him back in your tummy.” I laughed while part of me quietly wept as I replied, “Don’t even talk to me about where did the time go. I’m the one that has to watch you grow up, let go and allow you to make your own adult decisions. You have no idea how awesome it is to watch you and your brother grow up yet how sad it is at the same time. If only you could stay small forever.” My children find this strange. They think I should be looking forward to freedom. However, I enjoy being a mom. It is one thing I can say I am truly good at. It is the one thing growing up when I would think about possible careers, being a mom was always the first on my list. I commented one night to Kid1 how I do not find being a parent a burden or a bother. His reply was, “I think you are the only parent who thinks that.” This made me think “then maybe those other people should never have been parents in the first place.”

After coming to the realization that it is only 1 more year before not having to worry about childcare (1 year may seem like a long time but when I think where did the past 15 years go, it will be here in the blink of an eye), I spent most of the night observing Kid2 and soaking in everything he was doing. When he had decided it was time for bed, he proceeded to crawl into my bed as he is not feeling well. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He said, “Going to sleep.” I replied, “But you are in my bed.” He countered with, “Your bed is better right now.” Puzzled, I asked, “How is it better?” He answered, “It just is. Goodnight mom. By the way, can you play a few of my favourite songs for me while I fall asleep?” So I asked him what songs he wanted me to play. I put them on and watched as he drifted off to sleep.

I found myself watching him for a very long time and thinking “you haven’t watched him sleep since he was a baby. Why is that?” So I grabbed my camera and took a picture of him sleeping. Something else I haven’t done in years. And that is when more realizations come flooding into my brain.

As I sat and watched him sleep for about 30 minutes, I realized that soon the days will be over where he climbs on top of me while we are cuddling on the couch. It is an odd thing to see as he is now almost as tall as I am. But soon, he will no longer want the comfort of laying down on top of me while we cuddle. Soon he will no longer need me for physical comfort. Kid1 stopped cuddling on the couch with me when he was about 12. He will still hug me in public and tell me he loves me in public, but that is about it.

Soon the nights of him crawling into bed with me when he has had a nightmare will be gone. There are some nights where he is standing at my bedroom door in tears because of a dream he had and frustrated I tell him, “It’s okay love. Climb into bed with me.” But I know that when those nights are no longer here, I am going to miss them. I am going to miss being able to fix the things only a mommy can fix. So from now on, hopefully I do not reply to him with frustration in my half-awake state when he is needing the comfort only I can bring.

Soon the nights of my bed being the better bed when he is sick will be over. Sure I wake up the next morning feeling as if a MAC truck repeatedly ran me over because he is wild in his sleep and I spend most of the night dodging flying limbs however I feel a certain helplessness when my boys are sick. I wish I had a magic wand that can cure them and make them feel better. But even if I do not have a magic wand, at least I can make them feel more comfortable, safe and secure in my magic bed.

Soon I have to let them go and hope that from time to time they miss the comfort only I can bring and come to me seeking it.

One day they are boys and then they are men.

So Long, Farwell

December 17th, 2009

Apparently I need to blog about this again as some people seem to have missed the memo. And you know, I think that angers me just a little bit.  Consider this my two week notice to the internet.

Two month ago and without warning due to a lack of funding, I lost a contract that made it possible for me to be online, made this blog possible, made my Geeky Pleasures website possible and made my Geeky Pleasures radio show possible. I am an independent contractor and every single dollar I earn is the difference between keeping a roof over my family’s head and food on the table, and being homeless. The contract was not a huge amount by most people’s standards but it is a devastating amount to my family and me. It is what paid for me to do everything else that you see me do. Because even at the radio station, I am an independent contractor and I did that as a labour of love and not because it made me money. The joys of helping start up a new business venture is that you do not always get paid for the work you do even if it is a legit media outlet.

I would have been offline two month ago if I had not borrowed money (which I still feel sick over as I have never been in debt until now) 1 small design project and a donation that helped pay my bills for this month. And let me tell you, I have hated every moment I have put into all of this ever since. I use to do all of this only for my own amusement. Then people told me that I can’t go offline and they love what I do and it can’t go away etc., etc., etc. Well harm fuzzies does not feed my kids, pay my bills, put a roof over our heads or presents under the Christmas tree. My children do not get to have that part of Christmas this year. If it were not for living in wonderful socialist Canada and the help of a couple of friends and food banks, I would have no food in my cupboards at the moment. If it were not for the fact that I qualify for disability and Canada at least has some decent socialist safety nets, I would be homeless come January 1. I think it would be fair to say that I am resentful at the moment. Not so much at the support and kind words, but at the fact as a result I have become an unpaid, debt laden, dancing monkey.

I even gave people options as to how they could help out if they felt so inclined, if they indeed did really care, and I got nothing but more warm fuzzy words that at the end of the day don’t fix the situation even if they are appreciated.

This past weekend I was able to escape for a few days thanks to a really close friend who decided I needed a change of scenery and I needed to be surrounded by people who really care. He kidnapped me for the weekend and thanks to a visit with another friend, I was able to gain a better perspective on the situation. I told her of something I was doing for someone and she asked, “Are they paying you?” “No”, I replied. Then we got to talking about how people expect me to do all this stuff for them for absolutely nothing. And since we do not live in Gene Roddenberry’s future, I am the one that is getting seriously buggered as a result. Honestly, would you do what I am doing for nothing? Somehow I really doubt it yet you all expect me to do it for nothing and then when I say it is going away, you feel you are entitled to get upset over it. Well you aren’t willing to pay for it so I am no longer willing to provide a service for nothing.

My Geeky Pleasures website hosting is paid up for a couple more month. There is a possibility that I can use my landlord’s internet connection to at least maintain that from time to time. But as for the rest of it, it just is not going to happen as I will have no phone, internet or cable come Jan 1. I am not going to put 40+ hours of my week into what I do with no return except for warm fuzzy feelings from the masses and have my family continue to go without as a result. Maybe sometime in the future the rest of it will be revived but until someone is willing to pay for it to happen, my answer will continue to be “it ends here.” I refuse to be a dancing monkey any longer and have people take advantage of the services I provide.

Happy holidays and have a good 2010.

The Case Of The Missing Money

November 23rd, 2009

Earlier last week, Kid2 came home and informed me he made a bet for $20 with a kid at school and lost. Knowing that I would not pay off his debt, he told me that he had gotten a job at a neighbour’s house doing yard work to pay of this debt. To say I was proud was an understatement.

He was suppose to go to the neighbour’s house on Thursday at 4pm to do the first hour of his work. Thursday came and we realized it was 4:15. All of a sudden he got really upset and tears came to his eyes because he realized he was late. I told him to breathe and to quickly go and let the neighbour know that I had kept him because I needed his help with something and if there is an issue, they can give me a call. I found it slightly odd how much him being late was affecting him emotionally but just chalked it up to Kid2 being a man of his word and feeling sick that he felt as if he broke a promise. I would find out later there was more to this story. A lot more.

Yesterday I was outside when one of the neighbouring children came over and said to me, “Kid2 stole $20 from me and he refuses to give it back.” I shook my head and said, “No he didn’t. He lost a bet to you at school and he is going to pay you once he makes the money.” This is when the other child said, “I don’t even go to the same school as Kid2. He didn’t make a bet with me. When he was over at my house last, he stole $20 from a bag of loonies and toonies I had on the table.”

My brain asploded. I could not believe what I was hearing. I was angry. I thought I had raised better children than that. I told the child that I would be sure to talk to Kid2 about it when he got home from his friend’s house and it would be dealt with. The child said he would be back in an hour to find out of Kid2 was home yet.

About 30 minutes later someone was ringing my doorbell. It was the child again informing me that he found Kid2 and had confronted him about it and told Kid2 that he had told me about the stolen money. He then told me that Kid2 said he didn’t care that I was told and ran off with another child. To say I was angry and disappointed was an understatement. I yet again reassured the child that this would in fact be dealt with when my criminal child returned home. I was not impressed.

I was racking my brains out about how to best approach this with Kid2. I am not a yeller. I feel awful when I raise my voice even so my boys have said to me on numerous occasions, “I wish you would just yell at us. It would make us feel better and it is much nicer than your ‘dark voice’.” (When I am angry, instead of yelling my voice deepens. This voice especially bothers Kid2 and it makes him cry because it doesn’t sound like me at all.) I was so disappointed in this choice he made and my brain still could not understand why on earth he would do something like that. It was so out of character.

Hours pass and he is still not home. I am thinking he is probably afraid to come home because he knows he was caught in a lie. We have this rule, “if you tell me you did something wrong, the consequence will be less severe than if I have to find out through a third party.” Because of this, my children tell on themselves all the time. I have taught them it is important to take ownership of all their choices, both the good and the bad. Life is much easier that way even so it is a hard thing to do at times.

More hours pass and then next thing I know there is the child who narked on Kid2 with his mother and Kid2 showing up on my doorstep. It was all I could do to remain calm. Self went, “Shit! This is not going to be good. Why couldn’t Kid2 have just come home earlier so we could have talked to him in private about it before you dragged him over to the house to apologize for what he did.” I shot Kid2 “the look” and he hung his head in shame because he knew I was disappointed in this event. However, what was about to occur was pretty damn awesome.

The other mother told me that she has hired Kid2 to work on her farm and that she had never met such a hard worker in her life. I was thinking “Did I just enter the Twilight Zone? My kid stole from your kid and you are giving him compliments?!?!” She then went on to tell me that she was planning to come to my house at some other time to have a talk with me in private but unfortunately her kid has a big mouth and this talk is having to come sooner. Again, I did an internal head shake and thought, “Huh? Your kid did the right thing by telling me!” but instead I just continued to listen while in shock. She told me how she felt somewhat responsible for what had happened. She leaves a lot of money laying around the house and it can be a very tempting thing to a 10 year old. Kid2 did take the money, however he had returned the next day and confessed. He owned up to what he did and then asked her if there was any way he would make up for the money that he stole because he felt awful. They didn’t even know the money was missing until he confessed to it and it could have been a lot worse as there was close to $200 laying around that day. And then the mother continued, “Your son is more of a man than any other man that I know. I do not know anybody that would come to my house out of his own free will, knock on my door and tell me he stole from me and ask if there was any way he could work of his debt.”

I was amazed. Kid2 was probably scared shitless because most adults wouldn’t see how much courage it takes to owning up to something like that and would probably shit down his throat and tell him how awful he is, when really he isn’t awful. He just made a really bad choice. She then asked my permission to hire on Kid2 and have him work as much as possible during our rainy season and then full time during the summer to help her out at the farm market. I of course said yes because I could see how important this was to Kid2. He had just finished telling me the other day how he is looking forward to working and how he has learned from his father and I that working can be fun and is a good thing. It shouldn’t be seen as a chore but can be very fulfilling. He was also very jealous of Kid1 when he got his first job over the summer and wished that he was allowed to work as well.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the mother and I discussed the terms of his work contract and she again said that Kid2 told her that he will probably be in a lot of trouble with me. Not so much for stealing but for lying about the events that led up to this meeting. She then repeated that Kid2 is indeed a big man for doing what he has done and hopefully I won’t be too hard on him because I have done a good job raising such a man and she is honoured to know him and have him work for her. She has never seen such a hard worker and even when his friends came by to try and drag him away from work, he continued to work at a good steady pace and didn’t allow himself to be distracted by his friends. He is a wonderful man with a wonderful work ethic who is also very smart and will go on to do great things.

I smiled and thanked her. When she left Kid2 and I talked. I told him before this happened, he was in a lot of trouble. He was going to be grounded for a very long time. I told him I was still disappointed and said, “I am not disappointed with you, I am disappointed in the choice you made.” He said, “I know mom. I tell my friends all the time that you never get upset with me but you do not always like the choices I make. That you love me and are always proud of me even when I do stupid things.” I was satisfied with this.

I felt no further punishment was needed. He was the biggest man ever and did the right thing without my having to tell him how he was going to deal with this situation and fix it. Just like Kid1, I think he will grow up to be one fine human being.

Did I say I am very proud of him?

You Have To Hold On To These Until I Free My Shadow Lord From His Icey Prison

November 10th, 2009

My children constantly amuse me if you have not already figured out by my stories and tweets.

Here is a brief story in the latest saga of my children.

Kid 2 just walked into my office, stuck Bionicle swords on my desk and declared, “You have to hold to these until I free my Shadow Lord from his icey prison!”

I looked at him bewildered and amused as I often do and asked, “Did you just stick your Bionicle in the big cup of water you are currently freezing?”

He smiled his mischievous smiled and responded, “Yes I did. Now lock these away in your desk so that the Shadow Lord cannot acquire them and free himself before his time.” He followed this with a mad scientist cackle.

Before I could even react, he grabbed my desk keys, locked up the swords in one of my drawers, handed me the keys and said, “You better hide these. The fate of the planet depends on it.”

Kid2 then exited stage left.

Deep Thoughts Inspired By A 10 Year Old

November 3rd, 2009

Kid2 is home sick today. Instead of doing the normal things that 10 year old boys do when home sick, such a laying on the couch all day playing video games, he is listening to ABBA karaoke on VOD.

I asked him what he is listening to. His response, “I am listening to Mama Mia because (insert name of his girlfriend here) doesn’t like it and I want to know why.”

This made me think. When do people stop taking a genuine interest in others?

I am the type of person who will explore what people like or don’t like, especially if I am in a relationship with them whether the relationship is platonic or romantic. Even if it is not something I am remotely interested in, I still explore the subject matter because I want to know what it is about that subject that causes them to dislike it or not. Now I do not know if this is a product of me caring for the person or just a bi-product of me naturally being a very curious creature or a mix of both.

However, in my experiences I have not found this to me true of most people. They find my inquiries strange and do not understand why I would care to know about these things if they do not naturally appeal to me. And they do not take an interest in things I do unless it is something they are interested in themselves.

So this little interaction between kid2 and myself will have me pondering all day when do people stop being curious,  stop caring and stop taking genuine interest in others?

A Picture Of Teenage Laziness

November 1st, 2009

I heard a chuckle coming out of my 14 year old so I decided to investigate. The following conversation took place.

Me: What are you watching?

Kid1: I think it’s called The Reef. It is pretty stupid.

Me: Then why are you watching it?

Kid1: Because it is on TV.

Me: There are other things on TV.

Kid1: Yeah but I don’t have my glasses on to read what else is on TV and I am too lazy to put them on and my eyes, Kid2, is not here right now to tell me what else is on. So I am watching this.

Me: Gotcha.

I Have Been Binged And Other News

October 26th, 2009

So last time we spoke, I did not know if I would be here at the end of the month. Thanks to a very generous offer from a friend, I have been given a one month reprieve. Hopefully in the next week or so I hear back from those I am currently talking sponsorship with.

The other night, someone went crazy on my Geeky Pleasures website. Like seriously crazy. I was checking my host stats and I noticed a new visitor. That part is not weird as I get a lot of new visitors per day. What stood out about this visitor is the amount of pages they had visited. And then I watched as in the next hour they browsed 571 pages of my site. I don’t even think my site has that many pages so they were checking things out more than once.

Now the city of the IP address is Santa Clara. Santa Clara is in the heart of Silicon Valley. Santa Clara is also the HQ of one of the companies I am currently in sponsorship talks with. This has me really nervous because I still have not heard back from them since I submitted all the info they were wanting. I hope the fact they (if it is indeed who I hope it may be) browsed 571 pages and didn’t leave after only a handful of pages means they liked what they saw and I will hear something back very soon. And if it isn’t who I hope it is well then maybe something will come out of it. Who knows. Seriously why would anyone browse 571 pages in one sitting?

My book has been published! Holy sheep shit Batman! I got a really nice comment on Wil Wheaton’s blog today (well now technically yesterday) from a fellow reader about my Geeky Pleasures website and how much they like it and have already stuck in their RSS reader, my writing style, telling me I am very talented and they can’t wait to be paid so they can buy my book and telling other people to buy my book and check out my site. It seriously brought tears to my eyes. This book has been a very emotional experience for me. When it became available for purchase on Friday, I couldn’t stop shaking or get rid of this feeling of nausea. It is very personal to me and for a cause that is near and dear to my heart.

Even so I do things because I like them and I don’t care what other people think, in this case I honestly can say I do care because it is of such a personal nature. I just hope people enjoy it and don’t feel they wasted their money. The other things I put out it doesn’t bother me if they don’t like it because it has taken no investment on their parts to consume it. They can either come on the ride with me or not. This is different. This is not just about me, it is about my children and raising money for Lupus research. I hope its good.

The fact my book is now published has me thinking a lot about my relationship with my boys lately. I was overhearing Kid2 once again going on and on about how cool I am and you could hear the pride in his voice. The same goes for Kid1. I think it is awesome they think I am cool and speak about me with pride. It also makes me teary. I feel so blessed I have such a close relationship with my boys. I did not have that with my mother.

She was not a good parent by any stretch of the imagination and it does not help that she has severe mental illness. People who do not understand what I went through growing up like to say to me “she is ill, you have to realize it is the disease talking and not her.” This really bothers me. I have my degree in Psychology so I do understand it is part of the disease she has. But she chooses to not get treatment and stay crazy and with her illness, it one of the few where the person suffering has an active part in recovery. She has decided to not get treatment.  She has decided to not get better. She made the choice to not have me in her life. For the longest time I hoped and I prayed I could have a real mom. That when I spoke of my mom I could be proud of her and not be ashamed. I gave up on that fantasy a long time ago. So yeah, it really means so much to me that my boys not just love me, but like me.

Tonight was another moment that I decided needs to go into the remember for always always category. It was a brief moment. I asked kid2 if he wanted to watch a movie with me and cuddle. He said sure. So we watched a movie I hate and he loves and cuddled for two hours. After it was done I said to him, “Thank you for watching a movie with me and cuddling. I know how difficult it must have been for you.” To which he replied, “Yeah cause it’s like child abuse.” We both smiled and he resumed watching his shows and I resumed trying to assimilate all that is going on in my life at the moment into some sort of logical thought process.

I wish I could understand Bing. Ever since someone decided to use my Star Trek MMO review as a lure to infect people’s computers with a Trojan, I have been doing vanity searches to make sure that any mentions of articles I have written actually do indeed link to my site. I search both my name and Geeky Pleasures. Some months ago, I made a geekypleasures.com domain at a friend’s suggestion. I forward that domain to my Geeky Pleasures site and it is the name I give out on air when telling people about my site. I have never submitted this domain to any search engines as it is a redirect.  Well Bing has decided to list it in search results for Geeky Pleasures. Bing has also done one better. They have given my site and me a new title.

According to Bing geekypleasures.com is Geeky Pleasures with Jules the Awesome. No where in my meta tags, site title, site name or site description meta tags, no where on my site does it say anything about Jules the Awesome. Seriously, how does Bing come up with these things? I had to giggle at it. Then I decided to do a search on Yahoo (something I never do but figured what the hell. Does anyone still use Yahoo?) and they have followed suit by calling me Jules the Awesome. However, at least they have a site description underneath that lets people know its a redirect to juliasherred.com.

So should I sign all my posts now “from Jules the Awesome?”

I am not serious, I just think it is funny and it was kind of an ego booster when I needed it.