My mommy heart is breaking right now. And yet, I can’t help but to laugh. I suppose that is what happens when you raise a child who is so overly dramatic. So many things with him are such a production. The way he expresses himself in times of sadness, pain and frustration, are right out of a sitcom. Grand hand gestures, elastic facial expression, quirky bodily movements, exaggerated speech, over the top physicality become his norm. And even so the mommy heart breaks, it is all one can do to not burst out into laughter.

Kid2 got a sunburn today. And not just any sunburn. My poor, pathetic child is a wonderful fiery crimson. It is enough to make the angriest sunset jealous. He came home from a sleepover feeling tired, miserable and in a lot of pain. At first I had no idea until he asked me a question. I could hear the sound of suppressed tears. I asked him what was wrong and was met with a very grumpy and pain-filled, “I’m tired and I have a frikken bad sunburn! OKAY!!” Sheepishly, I responded, “Oh sweetheart… Okay, to stop the burning, what we need to do is…” “I don’t want to hear it! I just want to be left alone! Please…”

I swallowed my instinct to completely mother him. He is so much like me. He is stubborn, strong-willed and becomes cave-dweller when something is bothering him. Like me, he needs to be left alone until he is ready for help and asks for it. So I told him to go do what it is he wants to do and if he wants my help, come and find me.

Shortly thereafter, I found him asleep on the couch. Watching my child with the crimson-coloured-angry-skin sleep was quite saddening. I was tempted to put cold, wet clothes all over him while he slept in order to stop the burning. But heaven forbid I wake the Angry Dragon. So patiently I waited for him to wake up and allow me to fix.

Accompanied by painful cries, he awoke a couple hours later. It was so completely pathetic and terrible. I asked him once more if he’d allow me to help him. He said yes, much to my own relief. I took one of his shirts, ran it under cool water and attempted to put it on him. I may as well have been beating him. The loud yet silent cries which ushered from his mouth were the most unbearable things to hear. Holding back my own tears, I left him alone as he wanted when the torture session was over.

A short while later, hunched over in the doorway, he asked me at what temperature it would be safe for him to have a shower. I gave him the instructions and down the hallway he creeped in an Igor-esque fashion. 45 minutes later he emerged, hair dripping and what I told him should be a damp shirt was leaving a trail of water wherever he went. And this is where the pathetic tale starts to turn oh so comedic but still so very pathetic.

Kid2 (shoulders hunches and pain in his voice): What time did I go to bed last night?

Me (puzzled): I don’t know, hun. You were at a sleepover last night.

Kid2 (half through tears in an over-dramatic fashion): What?!?! You mean… it is still the same day?!?!

Me (a smile trying to crack my face): Yes it is, love.

Kid2 (with the frustration of a 1000 men who have prematurely ejaculated): OH GAAAAWD! (looking up to the sky) WHY?!?! I just want this day to end!

Me (wanting to cry and burst into laughter at the same time): *sigh* Oh sweetheart…

Kid2 (almost fully on the verge of tears): This is the worst day EVER!

His brother had arrived home while he was in the shower. I told him he needs to leave Kid2 alone and not tease him because he has a horrible sunburn and is not in the best of moods. Can you guess how well he took that under advisement?

Kid1: Hey. You realize you are a ginger don’t you? And therefor burn easily? Dude! Why did you take off your shirt?

Kid2 (hands up in the air, through tears and completely exacerbated): GEEZ! I forgot, OKAY! I will NEVER forget again! GAAAAAAWD! Just leave me alone!… This is the worst day ever (collapses into couch face first with hands covering face and sobs)

Is it awful that I can’t help but to giggle over this? Am I a terrible person. I am the type of person who laughs at the most inappropriate and morbid things. I really have a whacked sense of humour. I feel so terrible for him. My heart is breaking over his pain and the fact I don’t have a quick cure to make both the emotional and physical pain he is currently suffering just disappear. But my God, this kid is hilarious even when ill.

I love my kids. I love them to bits and pieces. And not only do I love them but I actually like who they are as people. But there are days where I look up in exasperation and think, “why me?!?” I should never have named them and given them an identity. I should never have taught them to speak, never mind teach them how to speak for themselves and speak their minds. I should never had taught them to tell me anything and that I may not always approve but I will never love them any less. (Even so I am whining right now, in all honesty I wouldn’t change it for a thing.)

The last 2 days have been filled with many moments of laughter at the crazy things they say to me and many moments of “WTF!?! No parent wants to hear this stuff! LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you!” I will even turn to them and say, “DUDE! Really! Oh dear GOD! Why did you have to tell me that?” Only for them to smile and walk away. And even so part of me is serious, there is a bigger part that says, “Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life even though the pod people have taken you and you are NUTS! THANK YOU for not shutting me out and not being afraid to tell me ANYTHING.” And I really mean, anything. They don’t hold back.

The last two days have been a long series of “that’s what she said”s. My youngest realizing just how dirty the word “geekasm” is and what it eludes to and a long conversation about how it could be wrong that we shared one together. My youngest telling me “You know what, mom. If a girl ever asks me what my favourite planet is, I’m gonna tell her Uranus. Isn’t that funny? Yeah, Uranus. I can’t wait to see her reaction. Now I just hope a girl asks me what my favourite planet is.” Ah man, there are a lot of other things but I think my brain has blocked it out of existence in an effort to preserve what little sanity I have left.

But this also leads to some pretty cool moments of sharing. My oldest just played one of the best jokes on my youngest. He took him outside under the guise of showing him a magic trick. They searched the neighbourhood for a seeded dandelion as it was part of this. The trick goes: 1) You tell someone to hide a leaf on their body. 2) Once the leaf is hidden, you tell them that the dandelion is going to detect where the leaf is. 3) You “scan” their body (as if going through airport security) with the dandelion while making beeping noises. 4) You tell them to open their mouth so that you can do a full body scan. 5) You shove the seeded dandelion in their mouth.

When they returned home, Kid1 told me what he had done to his brother so that his brother couldn’t attempt it on me. The practical joker inside of me howled but the mother, while trying to suppress a laugh, had to tell him, “That’s mean!” He had told me that his brothers reaction was, “Dude! That’s awesome! I can’t wait to do that to someone esle!” as he was spitting out bits of dandelion. Then once his brother left the room, he informed me of another joke he is going to pull on his brother. This joke involves my help. I have to say, it is pretty mean and pretty damn awesome and I can’t wait!

So, yeah. It really is my fault. I tell them to be themselves. I tell them to stand up for what they believe in. I tell them that if an authority figure is abusing their power, do something about it. I introduce them to all kinds of things that are a little bit off. I treat them like real people. I tell them that they can come to me and tell me anything. And so they do. At least when they are adults, they have a solid self-assured foundation. But man oh man, my house is rather insane at times and there are days that my head wants to explode due to TMI.

I really wouldn’t change it for a thing.