Archive for the ‘humour’ category

Because Some Stories Are A Wee Bit Too Long For Twitter

June 3rd, 2011

For approximately seven days, Kid2 has been trying to get the Spice Girl’s song ‘Wannabe’ stuck in my head. First, don’t ask me how he knows that song. I have no bloody clue. Second, he picks up too many of my evil tricks. Example: Kid2: “Do you know what I don’t get?” Me: “Quantum Physics?” Kid2: “Well, yeah… but… Damn it! You made me forget! Damn you, vile woman!”

As I recently announced on Twitter, Kid2 is terribly sunburned. He has the misunderstanding that this gives him extra room to be cheeky. He may be correct on that assumption, but we will never tell him that. I went into the kitchen to make some tea. After seeing me, he started to sing ‘Wannabe’. That is when I began to sing, “I spank your ass til it’s red. I spank your ass til it’s red. I spank your ass til it’s red”, to the tune of Willow Smith’s”Whip My Hair”.

Before I continue, let me assure you, I would never spank his ass til it’s red. I would never spank it, period. He knows this. I was giving him back some of the cheek that he was dishing out at me and I thought I’d do it at the expense of his cheeks. Let’s not turn a cute story into a discussion on spanking, joking about it, parenting styles, etc. Thank you. Now back to the story.

He looked at me, stunned, for a few moments, not sure how to respond in an equally annoying and quippy fashion. After a brief pause and moments hesitation, he said, as he was bending over, “Go for it. May as well have my ass be the same colour as the rest of my body.”

I think he gets the point for this round.

In Which I Survive Some Shit and Denise Hudson Writes Me Another Song

April 29th, 2011

Back story is required for this piece of awesomeness, which you are about to hear. If you are not new to these parts, then you are most likely familiar with this story. If you are new, as I realise more and more of you are, then sit down and allow me to tell you a story.

A month ago, I got really ill. Ill to the point where I required emergency medical care because I could not breathe and was combating four infections. Ill to the point where I became senile for nearly four days. Ill to the point where many held their breath, waiting to see if I would survive yet another battle with Lupus. It was also during this time, that I gave up profanity for 46 days, during a period known as Lent.

Normally when I’m going through Lupus bullshit, I make the most inappropriate and morbid jokes. So do those close to me. The above mentioned battle scared many to the point where nobody knew exactly what jokes would be okay and my partner refused to make any, which is highly abnormal. It was during that time that the awesome that is Jay Biggsy (@BiggsyJay) created the following image, in an attempt to make me laugh and succeeding brilliantly:

Now to go even further back, last year I gave up double entendre and sexual innuendo for Lent. Once Lent was over, the lovely Denise Hudson (@RangerDenni) wrote me a super awesome song, in order to help me celebrate. This year, she has done it again.

This song is a two-for. There are eight *bleeps* in the song, as I swore eight times during Lent. Considering I swear at least 10 times a day, I call that a success. The other part of the song helps me celebrate kicking Lupus’ ass, yet again. I may still be recovering but I’m kicking its ass nonetheless. She’s named this song Sinus Ninja Hates Your Face and I love it! It is extremely silly. She claims that it is rough. Rough or not, it is a very appreciated gesture and I adore it, especially for the silly factor. It will cause me to giglesnort for a very long time.

It isn’t every day that people write songs about you or for you because you’ve inspired them in some way. I’ve been so extremely blessed that people have written more than a handful of songs, with me as their inspiration. This is the third time I’ve been blessed with such a thing from Denise, alone. Four, if you count the “naked” version of of last year’s Lent song I am deeply touched and humbled.

You will find the song embedded below, with lyrics. If you are viewing this in an RSS reader, you’ll probably need to visit the site in order to listen to it.

SQUEE!

what’s that!? -in your nose?
is it snot?
f%^& i dunno [IT’S SNOT!!]
didn’t you deal with that d$5! before?
jump back! He’s back! Lookin’ for more
because…

[rousing chorus]
Sinus Ninja hates your face…
(get your booty back up on that wagon)
there’s no way you can escape
(give a kick to the head to the *shaggin’ bastard*…)
He comes stealthy in the night, you know..
so you have to kick his a## like a commando

Yes you are going to win the day
Sinus Ninja has no say
in your final destiny into an early grave!

You will insult his gluteus maximus
without uttering a nastiness.

AWWWWW… s#$5! I think you kicked him in the t!&!
Now he’s writhin’ on the floor, cuz you’re a
Lupus Warrior!
(cuz you a fiesty…..{horrible word of Xondorian origin which means “bad assed female})

CH
Sinus Ninja hates your face
There’s no way you can escape
kick him down into the depths of hell
Mutha F3%$kah what’s that smell?

Sinus Ninja hates your face
{repeat thill the a@@ho%e is dead. fade out}

In Which Kid2 and I Spend 3 Hours Bonding in the Emergency Room

January 29th, 2011

(Blogs published at this time are riddled with loads of toaster errors and mistakes. They will be mostly corrected when brain is more functional)

I’ve been wanting to write this blog every since the “incident”, which occurred last Sunday night. However, my week has been beyond crazy. Hopefully, enough of these events are still fresh enough in my mind where I can retell the magic of these events.

Last Sunday, as I was preparing to hand off the autodj at the radio station to the next personality, it had dawned on me that Kid2 was a few minutes late arriving home from playing at a friend’s house. I did my best to remain calm and not worry that some horrible thing had happened to him, causing him to be late.

15 minutes before I was to hand over the stream, I heard the door open and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that he had arrived home safely and in one piece. I continued on with my work, now relieved, freeing my brain from the distraction of wondering where the child was. That is when it happened. I heard what sounded like a child tumbling down the stairs, followed by the type of yell one would expect if someone, violently, fell down the stairs.

Without saying a word to the person I was currently in conversation with, I leaped out of my chair and ran to the door and opened it, expecting to see a twisted and mangled mess of a child. Upon opening the door, I discovered a child sitting on one of the bottom stairs, clutching one foot, nearly in tears and declaring, “I think it’s broken. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (insert with the passion of “KHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN here).”

Trying my best to appear outwardly calm, I asked, “OMG! Are you okay?!?! How did you fall?!?! What happened???!!!? SPEAK TO ME!” I’m pretty sure I failed at the whole trying to convey that I am calm, in order to keep the child calm in an attempt to keep him from spiraling into further emotional distress. He looked at me like I was a wee bit daft and responded, “Yeah… I’m fine… I DROPPED MY LAPTOP DOWN THE STAIRS AND I THINK IT IS BROKEN!! THIS IS THE WORST!” Suddenly, I became rather confused and ask him, “So you didn’t fall? Then why the screams as if you were dying?” He regarded me as if I had two heads and replied, “Didn’t you hear me?!? I DROPPED MY LAPTOP DOWN THE STAIRS AND I THINK I MAY HAVE BROKEN IT!!!!”, which was followed by the “jeez, you’re slow” sigh that teenagers give us.

Still not convinced that he was okay and not broken, as it sounded like a body fell down the stairs and not a laptop plus he was clutching his foot, I said, “Forget the laptop. Are YOU okay?” That was THE wrong thing to say. After having a meltdown as  a result the end of the world being nigh if he broke his laptop, he said, “I’m okay. I just hurt my foot at my friend’s house and limping down the stairs made me drop my laptop and I THINK I BROKE IT!”

Trying my best to get him to forget the laptop without actually making the mistake of saying those words again, I said, “Take off your shoe and sock and let me take a look.” He tried to tell me that it was fine, it was just a bit sore and swollen, that it was no big deal. Remembering that I had someone waiting for me, I told him, “Stop arguing with me and let me take a look at your damned foot!”

That is when I saw it: the swollen and already bruised mess of a foot. This foot once was a sweet, Flinstone type, baby foot. However, in the last year, it has begun transforming into a man foot, currently made more manly, as it was swelling and turning black. He kept trying to reassure me that all was okay with him, that the real victim was his laptop. That is, until I pressed on one of his joints, which caused him to exclaim, through a yelp, “Okay! Maybe my foot isn’t fine. BUT I THINK I BROKE MY LAPTOP!”

Trying my best to remain patient over his obvious misguided priorities, I informed him that we would be having to make a trip to the emergency room. I quickly ran back to my computer, got the next personality settled, arranged for someone to deal with the autodj in the event I was not back within 4 hours, arranged for a ride to the ER, told him to put his sock and shoe back on his foot and told him NOT TO MOVE!

I was hoping that it would be empty in the ER, for two reasons: 1) Nobody wants to spend their Sunday evening in the ER, especially if they are having to worry that their child is broken; and 2) Lupus + sick people with their germs in the ER = the potential for a lot of bad things. My hopes were quickly smashed to trillions of shards, the moment we arrived. The line to see the Triage nurse began at her desk and ended at the entrance to the ER and that is how it remained for hours. At one point, people were having to wait in line, outside of the doors. Instantly, I prepared myself for a very long night, as I knew he was not critical and there were people with rashes, fevers and coughs (making them automatically more emergent) in line with us.

Finally, it was our turn to see the triage nurse. It was during this time my brain nearly exploded, yet again, when I learned that his foot had been like that for THREE HOURS, before he decided to come home. When he had said, “I just hurt my foot at my friend’s house”, I thought he actually meant he just did it, not that he meant in the “it’s no big deal, it is only a hurt foot” new fangled way kids talk, sense. I think my head may have pivoted, or something, and I found myself asking him three times, “You did this 3 hours ago and you didn’t come home?!?” because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

The nurse proceeded to ask me about his allergies, medical conditions, etc. It tried my best to answer them, without looking back at kid2 and asking him the same question over and over. The entire time, my brain was overloading and doing it’s circular thinking thing, trying to assimilate that my child waited 3 hours before coming home, with his only concern being for his laptop.

The nurse finally cleared us from triage and waved us down to the registration desk, where I proceeded to instill into Kid2 that if any thing like this were to happen again, he is to immediately come back home. I must have told him, “If ANY THING like this happens again, you are to immediately come home” more times than I realised, as I was met with an exacerbated sigh and, “ALRIGHT MUM! I get it! Next time, I’ll come home, right away! SHEESH!”

Finally, we were able to take our seats in the waiting area and 30 minutes of failing to remain calm upon the realisation that my child has odd priorities, turned into magic.

He brought his iPod with him to keep him occupied during the wait. It was the first time I was ever happy that his dad had purchased it for him. He showed me all of his different apps and we discussed them whilst he played. It was a wonderful distraction from his hurting foot, the fact we were in the ER with what he was hoping was his first broken bone (something about battle wounds) and it allowed my brain to slightly distract itself from those who had fever, coughs and weird rashes.

After waiting for about 30 minutes, we were finally called in the treatment area. And that is when the real magic began.

We geeked out over so many different things. I also ended up learning a lot about the way his brain works during the process. We were discussing what he thought was better: Marvel or DC. This taught me that his brain works even more similarly to mine than previously thought.  Where I see the world as either “loud” or “muted”, he describes those things in “bold” and “flat”. An example of this is when he told me about his preferences and why. He told me he prefers DC over Marvel, not only because he thinks DC is more mature that Marvel but because DC is “bold” in his brain and Marvel is “flat.” He then told me that he sees most of the world as either “bold” or “flat” and he has a hard time describing things to other people, as those are the only words he can think of to illustrate it in any fashion. Immediately, I knew exactly what he meant when he said that and it was all I could do to not squee.

I have a hard time communicating the world to people, as I don’t really see my environment as “normals” do. It made me extremely happy that I actually got what he was saying. It made me even happier that he had someone he could describe the world to in such a fashion, who would just get it and nod, knowingly.

I considering him for a moment and I considered the situation. This prompted me to ask, “What would you do if you didn’t have a geeky mum? What would you do if you couldn’t share all of these things with me?” He replied, “I’d probably never speak because I’d have nobody who understood what I am talking about, especially when I have to use words like “bold” and “flat”. It is hard to talk with people sometimes.” Immediately, I understood exactly how he felt.

He went into his quiet place for a few moments. I considered him some more and asked, “Do you think you will have geeky kids?” He replied, “Well IF I have kids, I’m don’t really know. I would like them to be geeky so I can share with them like we do. But what if they’re not geeky, mum? How would I be able to talk with them?” I smiled and responded, “Well, I’m not sure if I’d worry about that, too much. I mean, look at you and your brother. You are both very individual people. However, you and your brother are my personality, split right down the middle. Your brother is my nerdy, scientific, overly rational side. You are my geeky, artistic, creative side. Yes, there are a few overlaps, but overall, you and your brother are me but split in half. Look at Auntie Catherine and your cousin. They are very similar as well. And I think you’ll marry an intelligent woman and end up having intelligent children.” That is when things went sideways, but in a wonderful direction. Well, wonderful to me but I’m not sure what those, who were listening to our conversation, thought about it.

He looked at me and asked, “What if I don’t get married. Then I won’t have any kids.” I chuckled and replied, “You don’t NEED to get married. Okay, then. Let me rephrase. I think you’ll enter a long-term, committed relationship with an intelligent woman and end up having intelligent children.” Mistakenly, I thought it was time to move on to the next topic of conversation.

Without pause, he asked, “Well what if I have sex with a girl who is delayed, mentally, the condom breaks and I end up getting her pregnant?” I responded, “I don’t think you’ll have sex with someone who has special needs. You are not going to be an asshat and take advantage of someone in such a fashion.” To which he replied, “But what if I get drunk, have sex with a girl who is delayed, the condom breaks and she gets pregnant?” With a mix of amusement and shock, I responded, “Well that is a asshat move and I didn’t raise an asshat who disrespects women in such a fashion. And if for some reason, that were to happen, then you’ll figure it out then. Regardless, the child will still be wonderful because it is yours and you are wonderful. Are you finished asking me the less likely scenarios?” He told me he was and he was ready to move to the next topic. (I think I taught him way too well to look at all sides of an equation and plan for all possibilities).

We continued discussing many other topics of nerd and geek nature, much the amusement of those around us. And then it was time for his x-ray and something else happened that I found to be so very wonderful and amusing.

As the x-ray tech was manipulating his foot and taking the films, she kept asking him questions about school and the sorts of things he is in to. He’d respond and then she’d turn to me and say, “Wow. He is so mature for 11.” Or she would try to repress a big laugh, smile to me and say, “Your child is such a doll. He is so well spoken and polite, especially for 11. I think he is great.”  The x-ray tech was taking the final film, when she asked him, “When I’m done here, would you like a sticker?” To my great pleasure and to her pleasure and amusement, he replied, “Nah. That’s okay. I’m not really partial to stickers. It is best if you keep it for the next kid.” She tried her best to repress her “awwwwh” as she gave me another “wow” and said to him, “Are you sure? They are glow in the dark!” To which he said, “Nah. Really. I’m okay.” She decided to tear one off of the strip anyway, walked over to him and said, “Look. They aren’t “kid” stickers. I think you’ll like this one.” He shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Okay. I suppose I’ll take it. I can bring it to school and brag to all my friends about how I had my first x-ray and here is the proof.” She tried her best to repress her laugh, but didn’t quite succeed.

We went back to the treatment area, where kid2 began to bombard me with questions about why I had to stand behind the wall with the x-ray tech. I told him that it was because it protects me from the radiation. A little bit horrified, he asked, “So it is okay for ME to be bombarded with radiation.. .me… a kid… but not you??” I repressed another laugh as I responded, “In normal circumstances, it is not okay. But these are not normal circumstances. Exposing you to radiation was necessary to take the x-ray. Had the situation been reversed and I needed the x-ray, you’d have been behind the wall during the process, in order to limit the exposure as best as possible.” With that, he breathed a sigh of relief and we were able to move on.

A little more time went on. We learned his foot was not broken, it was only badly bruised and sprained, much to his displeasure. (He was really wanting it to be broken). And just under 3 hours after arrival, we were able to go home, passing the still revolving door of walk-in patients.

I know I’m missing a lot of pieces from this story. However, despite the horrible circumstances surrounding the bonding time, it was one of the best times we’ve had in a while. Sure, we are always talking and sharing. Our days are spent exchanging geek banter. But that night we shared things on a level that we hadn’t shared in quite a while, allowing me to see him in a whole new light and gaining better understanding of who he is, how he thinks and just how amazing he is.

And I am glad for it.

In Which Twitter Is The Driving Force Behind A Story

January 1st, 2011

A little bit of a back story before I get to the piece of hilarity. There are these three humans who I have the awesome fortune of working with at The Force 925. Their names are: Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb (@JoeCovenant) (you should be familiar with Joe by now), Megan Allen (@mAyalaAllen) and Orev Deniker (@Aziraphel).

Let’s just say there was some banter between the 4 of us. Megan turned this banter into a story. And it is AWESOME! We are hoping to record this story (the 4 of us, reading our own parts) and then she will broadcast it on the station. At which point, the audio will be made available (if it gets done. PLEASE let it get done).

I realize some of you are not familiar with all the “characters” involved. But I think this story is very entertaining, even if you do not know the people behind the “characters.” What makes the story even more awesome, it was written around a flurry of tweets we were sending to each other.

So without further ado:

Viking Angst by Megan Allen

“Viking angst!” Both women in the room jumped in their seats at the quite surprising entrance of Joe. “I hope it leads to Viking death.”

“My Pirate angst sometimes leads to Pirate death,” Megan shrugged a little. “Why are you here instead of making this Viking angst happen?”

“Father Ted,” was the only reply.

Jules clicked in her tongue as she shook her head. “You should be writing, Joe.” She got That look on her face and even Megan had to look away.

“I feel like I should be writing now, and I’m not the one who said I was going to write,” she mumbled as she looked back down at her e-reader. “That look, it’s the look a mother.”

“I’m immune to it,” Joe declared.

“Balls!” Jules head shot up and she pointed at Joe. Megan bit her lip from laughing at the matching look that Joe somehow managed to imitate Jules exactly. Suddenly a battle of expressions erupted. The two competitors stood up from their seats, and took to the middle of the room.

Megan blinked, then looked back at the silent Orev in the corner. He only raised an eyebrow and shrugged, then both turned back to the unusual display taking place. Jules scrunched up her brows and her mouth opened slightly, as if to say, ‘What the-?’ Joe tilted his head a little, pointed at Jules, then pointed at his shirt. The two on-lookers tilted their heads quizzically.

‘Josephology: The study of Joe’ was what was printed, and no words were needed.

“I could end this easily,” Megan muttered to no one in particular. Putting down her e-reader she stood up from her chair and walked over to stand between the two combatants. Pulling out a pair of sunglasses from jacket pocket she suddenly turned to the side, tilted her head down, put the sunglasses on and put her hands on her hips.

Joe and Jules exchanged, another, expression, and looked over at Megan. “I think that,” Megan looked up slightly taking off the sunglasses, “I win the game.” She quickly walked off.

“Yeooooooow!” Orev yelled from the corner, playing the air guitar.

Jules suddenly pointed her finger, directing a rather nefarious look towards Megan. “Blasphemer!” Joe was speechless, not sure how to react to the freakish display that just occurred, and Megan was secretly glad.

“I should get back to writing,” Joe finally sputtered out.

“Happy killing and brutality!” Jules smiled and waved as Joe started to sulk away.

“Oh gods, what have I gotten myself into,” Orev said from his chair, his eyes glued to the screen of his laptop, messing with his playlist.

“I did warn you when I interviewed you,” Jules told him, grabbing a cup that was filled with coffee. “This station is loads of insanity and fun.”

“Welcome to the family!” Megan slid back into the room, sans sunglasses, her arms spread wide.

“Run,” Joe voiced echoed from the hallway, where he had stopped. “While you still have time,…. Run!” All three occupants of the room turned to look at the man standing in the opening of the archway. “You’re young, you still have a chance to live!”

“I’m 23, what about me?” Megan put an hand on her hip. Joe looked at her and shook his head discouragingly.

“You’re even Younger. But then again, young also means foolish, so you sadly don’t know any better.” He gave a mournful sigh. “Of course, when I was 23, I wasn’t young at all.” A sly grin crossed his face.

“You are so bloody full of it, Joe!” Jules didn’t bother to look at her friend as she drank some of her coffee, thinking about her to-do list that needed to be completed.

“Just because, Joe,” Orev spoke up, “you are too old and wizened to appreciate these fine ladies,…” he trailed off, knowing that he had gotten his point across.

“Not at all,” the older Scotsman rebuttled. “I just don’t need to flatter them quite so blatantly. As some of us do,” he coughed lightly.

Megan studiously ignored the men and Jules bit her tongue. “Go kill me some Vikings.”

“Viking Death!” Megan yelled out suddenly.

“Hmmm.. what to call this pagan who is about to get skinned alive….” Joe tapped his chin. “Ah! I know… “Orev waited, weeping like a newborn infant as they slowly-“”

“I demand likeness rights!” Orev interrupted the story.

“Bring on blood and violence!” Jules exclaimed, breaking up the two men. Joe started to mutter burning arrows, and curling smoke and the stench of burning flesh.

Megan sat down next to Jules, a knowing grin on her face as she pulled out her own laptop, opening a blank document.

“What exactly are you going to do with that?” Jules raised an eyebrow.

“I can write something, and I bet any money, that those two will say what I write.” She grinned as she started to type, her fingers flying across the keys.

“Look, Joe.” chimed in the ruggedly handsome Orev from the corner, looking briefly up from his playlist. Jules snorted and quickly clapped her hands over her mouth.

“Sorry, Orev,” replied Joe.. “I ‘like’ you and all.. Just not in the way you want me to…”

“I would stop there,” Jules suggested, try not to cough up her coffee from all the laughing she was attempting to keep down. “This has the potential to turn ugly,… for them.”

“I will simply have to console myself with the fact that I am vastly prettier than you,” Orev pronounced.

Megan and Jules looked at each other. “I didn’t write that.”

“I have to say,…” Jules started, not sure whether to shake her head or not. “Men should Not be pretty.”

“Exactly!” Joe stuck his finger up in the air in triumph. “Again, I win!”

“You won a long time ago, Joe, you know this,” Jules leaned back against the couch, holding the mug of still, somehow, warm coffee in her hand. “But that does not mean that you two should stop.” She grinned, mostly to herself. “It gives me pleasure.”

“Geeky pleasure.” Megan threw in.

“That was bad,” Jules snorted.

Saturday Simplicity

September 18th, 2010

I’m ill. I’m ill to the status of turning into a “sucky baby”. I don’t complain unless it is really bad. My Lupus is really trying to kick my ass, showing me no mercy. I haven’t had a flare last for this long in a very long time. Even so I always live with a good amount of pain, I had forgotten just how bad bad can be. I’ve been running a fever since I awoke yesterday. Today, I woke up with mouth ulcers. I’m grumpy. I’m irritable. I’m liable to lash out at any poor unsuspecting soul. But thank Bob for my children. At least they can keep me laughing through all of this.

It started this morning. I got up feeling like shit and as if someone beat the crap out of me in my sleep, yet again. I put on my glasses and hobbled down to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. I sat down in front of my computer to check my email and Twitter while I waited for the blessed coffee to brew. Because I’m ill, my vision is also being affected and every thing was blurry and as if it had a white film across it. That is when the following conversation took place:

Me: Where are my glasses?

Kid2: What?

Me: I can’t find my glass. Help me find them. (Starts searching). Wait. Never mind. They are on my face.

Kid2: BWAHAHAHA! OMG! I thought that only happens in movies! Too funny. Mom, that was pro. You are so fail today! Way too funny, mom.

Shortly afterward, his dad picked him up to do some clothes shopping. Upon his return, I hear the following:

Kid2: Mom, look at this! I picked it out all on my own. You want it, don’t you? You’re jealous aren’t you? You’d wear this to your next convention, wouldn’t you?

Me: OMG! DUDE! That is so awesome! YES! I do want it! Man, you’re awesome!

Kid2: *giggles* I knew it!

And just now, the following conversation occurred while I was outside getting some fresh air as I’m burning up.

(After Kid2 and his friend rounded the corner into the backyard)

Kid2’s friend: I hear that you can walk on your hands.

Me: Yes, I can.

Kid2: She can also lick her elbows! I don’t know how she does it. It is freaky but still cool. Mom, show her!

Me: Honey, I’m not feeling well. My body really hurts right now. Otherwise, I’d love to show my freaky skills.

(Kid2 and Kid2’s friend try to lick their elbows while conversing over how they don’t understand how it is possible.)

Me: Fine! I’ll do it! (licks elbow).

Kid2’s friend: WOW!

Kid2: SEE! Told you! They say it isn’t possible to lick your elbows, but my mom can!

Me: Well, what “they” say is false. It isn’t impossible, it is just rare.

Kid2 to his friend: She makes a good point. My mom is a rare breed of person. It is one of the things that makes her so awesome. She’s rare and weird but in a really good way. (To Me) She also doesn’t believe that you squee’d when I showed you my Mario shirt.

Me: Yes, I did squee.

Kid2’s friend: Then you’d squee over my brother’s shirt as he has the same one.

Me: I probably would.

Kid2: Okay, mom. I have to go into the back forest now. I left my winter coat back there.

Me: Why is your winter coat back there?

Kid2: Because I needed it to sing The Mountain Climber song while climbing trees.

Despite feeling like death waiting to happen, at least I can look forward to a day filled with laughter.

Intelligent But Hilarious Children And Critical Thinking

September 14th, 2010

Today has been one of those day where the slightest thing has tried my patience. A normally even-tempered Jules had to avoid much of the internet today. Things that normally would cause me to say, OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”, had me yelling, “OH FOR FUCK OFF!” to my monitor. This is not good. So I spent a lot of my day avoiding blogs, which I normally love to read, and avoiding reading my Facebook news feed. I was in such a mood that I would have not felt any remorse at all when I inevitably stopped biting my tongue, so to speak, and lashed out.

In an attempt to calm the raging monster lurking inside of me, waiting for a moment to devour the first of many unsuspecting but deserving victims, I decided to listen to the one time that I was interviewed. Kid2 decided to join me for the last few minutes of the interview. And am I ever glad that he did. The conversations that occurred as a result managed to not only calm this savage beast but also subdue it into fits of roaring laughter.

Near the end of this interview, I was asked who I liked better, Wil Wheaton or Phil Plait. He came in just to hear the end of the conversation, where I say, “That is like asking me who I like better, Kirk or Picard” and some banter on that subject. Kid2 asked me, “Did Joe just ask you who you like better, Kirk or Picard?” I replied, “No. He asked who I like better, Wil or Phil.” His eyes became wide as saucers as he said, “OUCH! That is even more difficult to choose between! How could he ask you to choose?!” I howled and said, “You’re awesome! Yes, it is a more difficult choice.”

He sat with me for the remaining 10 minutes of the interview. We laughed together over the ridiculousness of it and other things; such as having Joe and Sammy team up on me being just as bad as if it were him and a myriad of other people, who are very good at teasing me, team up on me. Once it was done, I told him it was time for his shower.  Still laughing, he went to the shower and I checked Twitter. That is when I saw the following tweet from my friend Travis, “Just saw a good-looking woman I’ve never heard of accepting some kind of important Republican nomination on CNN. Most unpleasant deja vu.”

I HOWLED! I giggled and snorted for a good few minutes. I was still giggling when Kid2 got out of the shower. He asked me if I was still laughing from our discussion prior to his shower. I said, “No. I’m laughing at something a friend said on Twitter.” He asked me to tell him what it was. I told him he wouldn’t understand. He gave me that puppy dog look, which only children can give their parents, so I told him what it said.

Wanting to be part of the conversation, he laughed. I smiled at him and said, “You don’t get it, do you?” He shook his head, “No.” So, that is when I explained to him that it was a reference to Sarah Palin. He cocked his head and said, “That name sounds familiar, but I don’t know who she is.” I then explained to him that she was a candidate for the Vice President of the USA, she is pretty but she is not that smart. She believes that the earth is 6000 years old and that she can see Russia from her house in Alaska, among other things.

The look on his face and the ensuing conversation was priceless!

Kid2: Wait a minute. She thinks she can see Russia from her house?

Me: Well, that is what she said.

Kid2: Okay, well… that seems a little ridiculous to me. But what I have more issue with is, SHE THINKS THE WORLD IS 6000 YEARS OLD! REALLY? Has she ever heard of Science, mom?!?”

I smiled and said, “About 50% of Americans are what is known as “Young Earth Creationists”. Meaning, they believe that the Bible is literal, therefor the Earth is only 6000 years old and people and dinosaurs inhabited the planet together.

Kid2: Seriously?!? Again, have they not heard of Science??? Do they not go to school? How can they believe this?

It was then he gave me a demonstration of the history of the Universe using his arms. He held his arms as wide apart as they could go, told me to imagine this was the entire time line of the Universe and then showed me the minuscule portion of when the Earth formed, the even smaller portion of when dinosaurs inhabited the planet and the yet even smaller portion of human existence.

Kid2: It’s more complicated than that, mom. But that is basically it. That is SCIENCE! How can they rationally believe anything else?

Me: I didn’t say it was rational. I said that is what Young Earth Creationists believe. They believe that people rode dinosaurs, etc.

Kid2: Honestly!? You mean to tell me, what? That they think the time that the earth was all molten rock and stuff… and what about the ice ages, mom?!? What about those? So they think the earth being a molten lava pit and the ice ages, happened in like what? Minutes from each other?!?

Me: Pretty much. Well, you see, love. They have their own “scientists” who, with their own “science”, “prove” Science wrong.

Kid2: Well, isn’t that just stupid! That isn’t how you do Science! They are purposely going to find the answers they are looking for! That isn’t how it’s done! It’s like…  ummm… okay… as an example, if I go out searching for proof that God doesn’t exist, of course I’m going to find proof to suit my own beliefs because I’ve made my mind up on what the answer is. The same is if I go search for proof that God does exist! Of course I’m going to find “proof”. That isn’t finding answers or proof! That’s just trying to find things to support the ideas you already have! That isn’t how you are suppose to do it! And they call that science?!?

Me: Yes, hun. And you are exactly right. When you have an idea about something, you are not suppose to make up your mind first regarding the results but just test your theory and go from there. You gather the data, apply the math and let it give you the answers, not the other way around.

Kid2: I still can’t believe in this day and age people still think the Earth is only 6000 years old! That is just insane!

And with that, he went to bed.

I smiled. I am still smiling. I have some of the best conversations with my children. It makes me happy that I’m teaching them how to think critically and be skeptical about the world around them. I worry sometimes because Kid2 will see something on YouTube or elsewhere (2012 being a big one lately) and we have to have long discussions about the faulty science behind it. But then he will have a rant of Jules Epic Proportions or we will laugh and geek out about things together, and I can be content.

Aside from being able to laugh with my child tonight, chasing away the monster within, I had the opportunity to have a very good discussion about the world in which we live and the people we share it with. And to think, those comments came out of the mouth of an 11 year old child.

It is too bad that many adults still do not know how to apply such logic to the world around them.

In Which I Tell The Tale Of The Crispy-Fried Child

July 6th, 2010

My mommy heart is breaking right now. And yet, I can’t help but to laugh. I suppose that is what happens when you raise a child who is so overly dramatic. So many things with him are such a production. The way he expresses himself in times of sadness, pain and frustration, are right out of a sitcom. Grand hand gestures, elastic facial expression, quirky bodily movements, exaggerated speech, over the top physicality become his norm. And even so the mommy heart breaks, it is all one can do to not burst out into laughter.

Kid2 got a sunburn today. And not just any sunburn. My poor, pathetic child is a wonderful fiery crimson. It is enough to make the angriest sunset jealous. He came home from a sleepover feeling tired, miserable and in a lot of pain. At first I had no idea until he asked me a question. I could hear the sound of suppressed tears. I asked him what was wrong and was met with a very grumpy and pain-filled, “I’m tired and I have a frikken bad sunburn! OKAY!!” Sheepishly, I responded, “Oh sweetheart… Okay, to stop the burning, what we need to do is…” “I don’t want to hear it! I just want to be left alone! Please…”

I swallowed my instinct to completely mother him. He is so much like me. He is stubborn, strong-willed and becomes cave-dweller when something is bothering him. Like me, he needs to be left alone until he is ready for help and asks for it. So I told him to go do what it is he wants to do and if he wants my help, come and find me.

Shortly thereafter, I found him asleep on the couch. Watching my child with the crimson-coloured-angry-skin sleep was quite saddening. I was tempted to put cold, wet clothes all over him while he slept in order to stop the burning. But heaven forbid I wake the Angry Dragon. So patiently I waited for him to wake up and allow me to fix.

Accompanied by painful cries, he awoke a couple hours later. It was so completely pathetic and terrible. I asked him once more if he’d allow me to help him. He said yes, much to my own relief. I took one of his shirts, ran it under cool water and attempted to put it on him. I may as well have been beating him. The loud yet silent cries which ushered from his mouth were the most unbearable things to hear. Holding back my own tears, I left him alone as he wanted when the torture session was over.

A short while later, hunched over in the doorway, he asked me at what temperature it would be safe for him to have a shower. I gave him the instructions and down the hallway he creeped in an Igor-esque fashion. 45 minutes later he emerged, hair dripping and what I told him should be a damp shirt was leaving a trail of water wherever he went. And this is where the pathetic tale starts to turn oh so comedic but still so very pathetic.

Kid2 (shoulders hunches and pain in his voice): What time did I go to bed last night?

Me (puzzled): I don’t know, hun. You were at a sleepover last night.

Kid2 (half through tears in an over-dramatic fashion): What?!?! You mean… it is still the same day?!?!

Me (a smile trying to crack my face): Yes it is, love.

Kid2 (with the frustration of a 1000 men who have prematurely ejaculated): OH GAAAAWD! (looking up to the sky) WHY?!?! I just want this day to end!

Me (wanting to cry and burst into laughter at the same time): *sigh* Oh sweetheart…

Kid2 (almost fully on the verge of tears): This is the worst day EVER!

His brother had arrived home while he was in the shower. I told him he needs to leave Kid2 alone and not tease him because he has a horrible sunburn and is not in the best of moods. Can you guess how well he took that under advisement?

Kid1: Hey. You realize you are a ginger don’t you? And therefor burn easily? Dude! Why did you take off your shirt?

Kid2 (hands up in the air, through tears and completely exacerbated): GEEZ! I forgot, OKAY! I will NEVER forget again! GAAAAAAWD! Just leave me alone!… This is the worst day ever (collapses into couch face first with hands covering face and sobs)

Is it awful that I can’t help but to giggle over this? Am I a terrible person. I am the type of person who laughs at the most inappropriate and morbid things. I really have a whacked sense of humour. I feel so terrible for him. My heart is breaking over his pain and the fact I don’t have a quick cure to make both the emotional and physical pain he is currently suffering just disappear. But my God, this kid is hilarious even when ill.

It Really Is All My Fault

May 29th, 2010

I love my kids. I love them to bits and pieces. And not only do I love them but I actually like who they are as people. But there are days where I look up in exasperation and think, “why me?!?” I should never have named them and given them an identity. I should never have taught them to speak, never mind teach them how to speak for themselves and speak their minds. I should never had taught them to tell me anything and that I may not always approve but I will never love them any less. (Even so I am whining right now, in all honesty I wouldn’t change it for a thing.)

The last 2 days have been filled with many moments of laughter at the crazy things they say to me and many moments of “WTF!?! No parent wants to hear this stuff! LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you!” I will even turn to them and say, “DUDE! Really! Oh dear GOD! Why did you have to tell me that?” Only for them to smile and walk away. And even so part of me is serious, there is a bigger part that says, “Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life even though the pod people have taken you and you are NUTS! THANK YOU for not shutting me out and not being afraid to tell me ANYTHING.” And I really mean, anything. They don’t hold back.

The last two days have been a long series of “that’s what she said”s. My youngest realizing just how dirty the word “geekasm” is and what it eludes to and a long conversation about how it could be wrong that we shared one together. My youngest telling me “You know what, mom. If a girl ever asks me what my favourite planet is, I’m gonna tell her Uranus. Isn’t that funny? Yeah, Uranus. I can’t wait to see her reaction. Now I just hope a girl asks me what my favourite planet is.” Ah man, there are a lot of other things but I think my brain has blocked it out of existence in an effort to preserve what little sanity I have left.

But this also leads to some pretty cool moments of sharing. My oldest just played one of the best jokes on my youngest. He took him outside under the guise of showing him a magic trick. They searched the neighbourhood for a seeded dandelion as it was part of this. The trick goes: 1) You tell someone to hide a leaf on their body. 2) Once the leaf is hidden, you tell them that the dandelion is going to detect where the leaf is. 3) You “scan” their body (as if going through airport security) with the dandelion while making beeping noises. 4) You tell them to open their mouth so that you can do a full body scan. 5) You shove the seeded dandelion in their mouth.

When they returned home, Kid1 told me what he had done to his brother so that his brother couldn’t attempt it on me. The practical joker inside of me howled but the mother, while trying to suppress a laugh, had to tell him, “That’s mean!” He had told me that his brothers reaction was, “Dude! That’s awesome! I can’t wait to do that to someone esle!” as he was spitting out bits of dandelion. Then once his brother left the room, he informed me of another joke he is going to pull on his brother. This joke involves my help. I have to say, it is pretty mean and pretty damn awesome and I can’t wait!

So, yeah. It really is my fault. I tell them to be themselves. I tell them to stand up for what they believe in. I tell them that if an authority figure is abusing their power, do something about it. I introduce them to all kinds of things that are a little bit off. I treat them like real people. I tell them that they can come to me and tell me anything. And so they do. At least when they are adults, they have a solid self-assured foundation. But man oh man, my house is rather insane at times and there are days that my head wants to explode due to TMI.

I really wouldn’t change it for a thing.

In Which I Beat Temptation And I Get Another Song! SQUEE!

April 4th, 2010

OMG! I am totally squee’ing at the moment! THIS IS AWESOME!! Holy shit! Seriously DUDES! And if you don’t squee once I am done with this, there is something seriously wrong with you! You will really want to read past the back story to hear the TOTALLY AWESOME AND WIN!

Okay, a bit of a back story. Lent just ended. And I do something every year for Lent. Not because a church tells me too, but for my own spiritual needs. Some of the hardest Lents included the year I gave up chocolate. Another hard Lent was the year I gave up sex. This year I gave up innuendo and double-entendre. I could still talk technically about sex but nothing that could fall under “that what s/he said!” I have to say this was harder than the years I gave up chocolate and sex, combined.

Once Lent was over, I had a huge release as I tweeted the following:

WOOT! It is Easter! Time to celebrate a guy who was nail with wood, rose to the occasions and came 3 days later. May he come again.

Lent was long and hard. It tried to beat me. But like a trooper, I rode it for 1104 hours right till the very end. I came through it like a champ. I would like to thank everyone for making it a group event. Everyone who watched and participated. It would not have been nearly as enjoyable had you not all played your part. Thank you.

Man, that release was soooooooooooo good.

And then shortly after:

OH: He has come close to spilling a few times but there were always warnings. This time it just came without warning.

But here is the really awesome part. There is this really cool lady. Her name is Denise Hudson (@RangerDenni). I got to know her through Song Fu and TMA. She told me she was going to write me a song as a reward for Lent. And it is seriously bloody brilliant! And to make it very fitting, she had the amazing and wonderful Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb (@JoeCovenant) be a part of it. Joe was my #1 temptation during Lent. And I even co-wrote part of it! She included a limerick that I wrote about Joe one day during a JoeCast! And she included so many “me” things and inside jokes in it. It really is just brilliant and I can’t stop squee’ing! I am including it for your listening pleasure. I can’t stop smiling!

In Which Jules Rejoins Us With Her Bad Self – Denise Hudson ft Joe ‘Covenant’ Lamb and special guest

:

 

“In Which Jules Rejoins Us All With Her Bad Self”
Lyrics BY: Denise Hudson / Julia Sherred / Joe “Covenant” Lamb

(featuring Joe “Covenant” Lamb & special guest)

Happy Easter to Julia Sherred
Who handcuffed herself to the bed
of denial and sacrifice
till April third at midnight
counting the sec’s(!) till the END!

Now Jules made a promise to God
or to Great Aunty Maude
or The Spaghetti Monster or to Bob or whoever you like
the point was she would strike
from her mind all the semblance of bawd

Now Jules is the queen of things geeky
But the boys and the girls they are quite cheeky
tempting lively young Jules
to PM with her rules
and I wondered if she’d go get freaky

Innuendo was filling her eyes
She looked desperately to the skies
Praying Polly’d send rain
to cool off her pain
“That’s What She Said’s” were swarming like flies

[interlude consisting of a blended array of samples from the hysterical Count video that made me pee on myself, that Mystic Cat thing, and a certain song from our pre-teen years that Joe overplays at casts that he thinks gets women in their thirties all misted up… and which I play in a motet like fashion on period instruments fashioned from various VSTs]

What could keep poor Jules afloat?
Could a stirring bridge be a lifeboat?
Because just screaming “LENT”
isn’t paying the rent
and so on an unrelated note …

[Enter Joe]

“Now just because Den is the author of this
And the words have come out of her head
There’s a big control freak
In this Queen of the Geek
So here’s words from Dear Ms. Sherred”

{ENTER LYRICS BY JULIA SHERRED, which Joe feels necessary to change and stuff, because he’s annoying}

There once was a guy named Joe
Whom I think everybody should know
He banged on his bodhran
All the while he sang
And Joecast is the name of his show

REPEAT IN A ROUSING ROUND:

There once was a guy named Joe
Whom I think everyone should know
He banged on his bodhran
All the while he sang
And Joecast is the name of his show

Jules will go into Joecast
And I think we will all have a blast
As she lays down some smack
That’ll give heart attack
Cuz we’ve all seen how long SHE can last ….

The TMA Podcast was WIN!
You could not be derailed by your friends
Not even passiontide
could pull you aside
As you pushed all the way through the end …

So praise be to the Holies on High
And his hotness Sir Optimus Prime!
As you’ve reached the apex
You can talk about sex
In whichever which way you can find

Since I cannot mail you a taco
down the hall to the headmasters we’ll go
Every slip of the tongue
In our orgy of fun
TMA smacks for chat innuendo

So cheers to a successful lent
We imagine you’re feeling quite spent
May the gal from BC
Give an orgasmic squee!!!!!!!!!
You did it! You did it!

….. #andedric

You Have To Hold On To These Until I Free My Shadow Lord From His Icey Prison

November 10th, 2009

My children constantly amuse me if you have not already figured out by my stories and tweets.

Here is a brief story in the latest saga of my children.

Kid 2 just walked into my office, stuck Bionicle swords on my desk and declared, “You have to hold to these until I free my Shadow Lord from his icey prison!”

I looked at him bewildered and amused as I often do and asked, “Did you just stick your Bionicle in the big cup of water you are currently freezing?”

He smiled his mischievous smiled and responded, “Yes I did. Now lock these away in your desk so that the Shadow Lord cannot acquire them and free himself before his time.” He followed this with a mad scientist cackle.

Before I could even react, he grabbed my desk keys, locked up the swords in one of my drawers, handed me the keys and said, “You better hide these. The fate of the planet depends on it.”

Kid2 then exited stage left.