What a freaking crazy week! I don’t even know where to begin. And the crazy isn’t over yet. I have a feeling I will not have enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to get done this weekend. Submission deadline for my World Lupus Day project is tomorrow and despite over 100 people saying they will do something, I have yet to receive much.

Then add to this that I am currently experiencing one of the worst flares I have experienced in a while, a cold and stomach bug, a happy Jules is not a well Jules in any sense of the word. To say I was ill would be quite the understatement. I wish I had a dark corner that I could crawl into and sleep for eons if that is what it took to feel slightly more human. The way I’m feeling at the moment, it feels that it would take forever and a day to feel better again.

And then there is the song. But OMG YAY, I managed to get my vocals recorded and in 3 takes. And let me tell you, that was quite the trial. I can’t count how many tears were shed out of frustration. To begin with, I haven’t sung in at least 3 years. Nothing more than humming around the house and maybe quietly singing a line or two. Nobody has heard me sing in quite a long time. Then add a cold which leads to a sore/hoarse/laryngitis throat/voice… it is not a nice mix or sound at all. As well, I was afraid that I would have to sing sections of it at a time, over and over again, and then piece it together to create a final track. But nope. I managed to sing it straight through and in a pretty consistent fashion without it sounding atrocious. There really isn’t too much that needs to be done with the vocals besides EQ and cleaning up the noise and a few other small things. Or at least, that is what I think. Also, my pain levels are at a 8.5-10. I had to sit to sing as at the moment I am not capable of standing for more than 30 seconds without the pain becoming intolerable.

I have a whole new appreciation for those who participate in Song Fu. I kinda co-wrote this song and I still had quite the difficult time learning it. I received the very first draft of the song last Friday, made changes over the weekend, received the changes, tried working with the new music and couldn’t wrap my brain around it it, asked for more changes, learned the changes really would not work after trying to work with them, went back to the second incarnation and really listened to it to hear where exactly it wasn’t working for me, made some changes, moved around and edited some of the music, and sent the changes back to Denise and then attempted to bang out the vocals in one day. Okay now that I actually listed this process and I realized that I’ve only had the basic demo music for not even 2 full days, I think I’m even more impressed with what I’ve accomplished especially consider I don’t write music/songs, haven’t used my vocal chords besides talking in years and am extremely ill.

Now, it still isn’t perfect. Far from it. It isn’t any where near close to the caliber I was once capable of. However, considering I only worked with the music in its current form for maybe 5 hours total, sang the song maybe 10 times, am ill, it is passable. I do not hate the results. That is something. Especially considering I am a huge perfectionist and my own worst critic. And after listening to the finished demo with my vocals for the past hour, I still don’t hate it. I still think it is passable. I am actually smiling when I listen to it. I don’t want to go as far as saying I like it but I am satisfied, considering. And despite me cringing every time I hear my mistakes (they are extremely loud to me), I still feel it is passable. If you knew me, you would understand that is actually a pretty major thing for me say.

And now the above is in the wonderful hands of Denise for her to clean up a huge amount of noise on my tracks and add some other touches including her own vocals. Oh yes, aside from the above obstacles, my sound card has been acting up as well. If there wasn’t a lot of white noise (I don’t understand why all of a sudden) there were a couple quick demos recording for the first couple incarnations where the sound was quite distorted. Hopefully the white noise can be removed adequately without distorting the sound.

I’m antsy and excited to hear the finished product. I will either have it late tonight or tomorrow at some point. I am also antsy and excited to see and hear what else comes in for this project. And hopefully I make it through this weekend intact and Monday’s launch be a success. I’m also worried that everyone who said they’d do something won’t come through. I get that way when people cut it close to deadlines. I always finish well ahead of deadlines and I have a hard time dealing with people who wait til last minute. It causes me anxiety. However, if every one does not come through, at least I will have some material. And hopefully, next year it will be bigger and more successful as it won’t be such a last minute idea.

Phew. Must. Remember. To. Breathe!

So the lovely Denise Hudson wrote a very wonderful song for my World Lupus Day project. Lyrically, it spoke to me. It very nicely tells of some of the struggles I personally go through with my lupus. Musically, I thought I could sing it. I thought maybe I can do this. And then I attempted it and failed miserably.

Her original version would musically go one way and my brain wanted to go another. At first, I thought my inability to sing it was due to a number of factors I do not think I can explain, so I won’t. I’ll just say it didn’t quite work for me even so it was a very good piece. So I asked her to send me the guitar only and I would attempt it that way. I listen to her vocals 3 or 4 times, I then played the guitar only once and then attempted to sing. I failed. The song in that version did not breathe in a way that was natural for me and brain was still wanting to go directions musically that the first version was not going. If I had more time to learn the piece, then maybe. But we are on a deadline here.

I listened to the guitar only a couple more times in an attempt to *get it* when I realized that I couldn’t get it in it’s current format. So presumptuously, I thought of how it would work for me. I found a melody in my head. I hummed it a couple of times to see where it would go. Then without thinking, I horribly recorded what I heard. I felt so defeated. I use to be able to sing. Melody wise, I think the song works. However, vocally it really is shit.

I do not write music. Music really isn’t my thing even so I know music. It just isn’t something I do. Apparently, I have now co-written my first piece of music (even so there was no actually writing involved. I heard a melody and recorded what I heard in my head with one take and one attempt). Given this, I do feel a bit of a personal triumph. I did something that I never thought in a million years, I would do. I made music. But I could not sing it. Not even close despite what others may think.

Maybe it is because they have never heard me sing. Maybe it is because I know what I am capable of. What I produced was a million miles away of where I use to be vocally. I was so frustrated with this yet another reminder of how I once use to be brilliant and now am dim. I cried. It is very frustrating for me when I am served with harsh reminders that I am no longer capable of the things I was once very capable of. Not even close to the same ballpark of capable. I thought briefly that with some practice, I may be able to do it.  Nothing but failure ensued. Mind you, I only attempted it a couple more times. However, this is one of those things that I know if I’ll get it or I won’t. There was no way I was going to get it. So I said, I’m not going to do it. Then I stopped thinking about it. I walked away.

I had put it completely out of my head. So far out of my head, that I forgot the melody that I had created. That part isn’t really all that surprising as I had only attempted to sing it a handful of times and only listened to it a couple more handful of times. Then last night, out of the blue, it was back in my head. The melody kept repeating itself over and over. I could not get it out of my head. However, it was slightly different. It was in a different key. It was one step lower than what I had originally attempted it at. One step lower of the miserable failure. I took this as a sign that even so I had quit, my brain was not going to let me quit so easily. I am supposedly a fighter after all and do not give up.

So without thinking and without attempting to sing it once through first, I recorded what I heard in my head. I didn’t put any more effort into it than the first time I did it. I sang it sitting down, with my knees up to my chest and with no air behind it whatsoever. I just spat it out. And you know what? It wasn’t terrible. It was still shit. It was still a million miles away from what I am capable of. A million miles away of where I once was vocally. However, given the fact I have a cold, my lupus auto-destruct sequence is activated, and I made no real attempt to sing it, it isn’t that bad. I think I may just be able to do this after all. I’m not feeling so defeated anymore. I feel as if I could be brilliant once again.

Given I only have 5ish days to do this thing (if I do it) it will never be up to my standard. It will never be up to what I know I am capable of. And this isn’t overly self-critical Jules talking. I am realistic and I know what I am capable of and what I am not. Now even so it will not be up to what I use to be able to do (when you don’t sing for 3ish years and are very out of practice, it takes a long time to get the old vocal cords back into shape), I think I can get it to a level where I think it is passable.

We will see I suppose. I am still at the maybe stage of doing this. I am going to attempt it anyway. And if I can’t, then I can’t and Denise will sing it for me. And if I can, I can. At least I am attempting it. It may be a foolish attempt. We will just have to wait and see, won’t we?