I have been very lazy when it has come to maintaining my blog. Well, I do not that lazy is the correct term. Maybe avoiding is a better term. When I decided to set out on this project, I said I would write about everything going on, and there is always something going on. As the title says, the goings on range from the mundane to the insane. I had also said I would write about personal things going on, not just write about the professional stuff.In the last couple of weeks a lot has happened in both areas.
Just over a week ago, I received confirmation of my media pass for PAX2009 and was completely elated. I have been wanting to go for years, but things always happened last minute that made it impossible to attend. I figured this year, it would be different. A couple days after receiving confirmation, things in my personal life happened where now my attendance may be jeopardized (will go into this later). I am back at the radio station doing my 2 hour Friday Night Geeky Pleasures Show (music genre is varied with many independent artists being featured). This is one of my favourite times of the week. During my broadcasts, I have complete creative freedom and I get to discuss whatever geek topic I may have come across the previous week and% discuss it with the masses. I get to share with the world something that is a huge part of my life. Something that at one point in my life I was teased for from time to time, I now get to do professionally. Geeky Pleasures is followed by 2 hours of alternative/rock/punk etc one week and the alternating week all Canadian content. Again, I love this part of my show, especially the week that it is all Canadian because I really get to push wonderful independent content that does not get the time they deserve on mainstream radio. I am also doing a broadcast for a different organization on top of it on another subject that I can talk about for hours. Everything professionally appears to be going right on track, however it is all very overwhelming at the moment for due to many factors.
The first factor is that I took a break from the digital world for 5 months. Coming back to it and trying to fit everything into such a finite time, while trying to take care of my family has been a bit of a struggle. I find it very difficult to balance all aspects of my life. It is very hard for me to be able to leave anything unfinished. I have been known to stay up for days straight working on a project (whether for work or crafting or you name it), because there is always just one more thing to get done before I can put it away. Then that one thing turns into another and it just snow balls. It had gotten to the point (since I am a stickler to a schedule and heaven forbid I am late for anything, if even by a second) that I had to take out my day planner and schedule in start and stop times, breaks to eat and drink, breaks to bathe and use the bathroom (the list again goes on) because I just can’t leave things unfinished. If I did not put it in my day planner and treat it as an appointment, other things besides whatever it is I may be working on, just didn’t get done. I am also the type that needs to be doing a lot of things at once, otherwise my brain gets bored and I lose focus. So the more projects on the go I have, the more attentive I am to them. But yet again, if I am not careful other things in my life fall apart. So on the five month break I took, I rediscovered things I had stopped doing because of my work life. Crafting and art being the major thing. I was able to find a very nice balance. Now I am having difficulty finding a new balance to keep the things I rediscovered alive with my love of the work that I do and my family. It has been a strenuous 3 weeks trying to write down my new schedule so that in my mind I am not leaving any of my areas (work, family, leisure, meditation) “unfinished” at the end of the day to ensure that I can sleep in peace without my mind racing thinking about the things left unfinished.
Now to compound this, my personal life had a huge explosion. I am not sure how comfortable I am going into details about it just yet. Yes, I said early on that I would talk about it all. But what does that mean? To what extent? I am a very private person in a general sense. I also love my alone time. I need a lot of time alone to think and to ponder and to wonder. I have a handful of very close friends that I tell everything to… eventually. Sometimes it will take me a few months for me to feel comfortable enough to fill them in on the personal events of my life. I am a thinker. I am very introspective. My thoughts dictate my emotions and not the other way around. I am thought driven, not emotionally driven. Even so I can empathize with people and many levels, I have an extremely difficult time understand most people’s emotional reactions to most situations. A lot of the time, it just doesn’t make sense, especially since the emotion most people attribute to the situation certainly is not going to change anything and will just cause the person having the emotion more stress. I look at life and the events that happen in it (for the most part) as an outside observer. It isn’t until I have had a chance to really look at a situation and think about it and decide how is this going to affect my life, will I attach any emotional label to it, IF I attach one. As a general rule, if it is not going to drastically change the circumstances of my life, I am neutral towards the situation. So by the time I actually talk about situations, (that as a norm would cause others great emotional stress) I have already digested it, decided what I am going to do about it and how I am going to feel about it. I just need to say the situation verbally so that it becomes “real” (for lack of a better word) and thus I can move forward. I do not want advice (unless I ask for it) or pity. I just need to be heard.
Now the event that has happened this past week is life-altering. I am still having a hard time accepting that it is real. I am waiting for the day that I wake up and it is all just a really awful nightmare. Never in a million years would I think this would happen (even though statistically it is highly likely). I thought that after all these years, it was good, I could safely plan my life around it and could integrate it into my existence. It was safe for me. Then in a flash, what I believed so strongly would be one aspect of my reality forever, was destroyed. It was a huge blow. This blow has made it very difficult for me to concentrate on anything but. Some may be able to figure out what has happened others may not. All I am really able to say (especially to strangers at this moment) is what I have.
So considering the above mentioned, I will try my best to update as much as possible. Even if it is just one or two lines of something random that may have caught my eye during the day. However, if I go awhile without posting, please check back regularly. I just need time to process this huge change to my life and how I am going to proceed.
julia sherred
